Bartender, Gimme A Beer

Those would have been the words I would have said if the airport bar hadn't called last call as I was walking up to the counter. One of the great things about being of age is that you can be tipsy plus on a flight if you want to. I am flying the red eye back to Minneapolis and I wanted a chemical helper in my attempt to get any sleep on this flight. The drinks at the bar for sure would have been cheaper than the five dollars I will have to pay on the flight for a little bottle that wouldn't get my little brothers buzzed. It is a matter of public safety that I get a little sleep on this flight because I am gonna be driving myself home tomorrow morning from the airport. I don't want to be cracked out on lack of sleep and taking the 35W which is best likened to a series of sharp turns coupled with potholes that could double as in ground pools. 

I had a blast being home these past five days. Of course the weather was a much appreciated change from the bitter cold I am returning to. I was able to spend time with my family, go out with my brother, and see a bunch of movies. While the amount of time since I had seen my family last wasn't all that much longer than when I was in school, it was different this time. The time I have spent in Minneapolis has been so different from my time in school, I feel more cut off from my family. There is a greater sense of permanence in Minneapolis than there was in Madison. I have my own apartment, I will be registering my vehicle in the state of Minnesota, and hopefully becoming a member of the service industry soon after getting back. This is a level of reality that never existed in Madison and it is scary. 

I saw some great movies over this trip. I love the fact that during my time in Minneapolis I have seen a total of one movie and during my five day stay in Vegas I saw three. On Christmas Day, my dad, Jordan, and I saw Milk. That was quite the experience to say the least. I got uncomfortable when I saw Old School with my dad and there were boobies shaken all over the place, the idea of sitting next to my dad while Sean Penn and James Franco go at it did not sit well with me. I didn't realize until now the humor in the fact that I saw a movie about a gay rights activist's life on the day Jesus was supposedly born. Something tells me the social justice Jesus would be cool with it while the born again Jesus would damn me to hell all the while secretly wishing he had seen it too. It was a pretty darn good movie, definitely one that I will need to see again to truly decide my thoughts on it. The movie I have no problems rating is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. This movie was absolutely amazing! It is crazy long (almost 3 hours) but everyone in it is phenomenal. My brother said that it cemented his rule of seeing anything with Brad Pitt in it. In my mind Brad Pitt has definitely moved from just an attractive actor to an attractive actor who has an amazing talent. Also, Cate Blanchett is both stunning and great in the film. I will definitely be buying this movie when it comes out.

I am glad that I stayed in Vegas for as long as I did because it has recharged my batteries. I am ready to get back to Minneapolis and get things in order. While it has been great to sit on my couch and lounge around, I need to get out in the city and meet people. I mean I just watched the premier of The City on MTV tonight and if Whitney Port was able to find a BFF and an aussie boyfriend who might not be ready to settle down than I should be able to do it as well. Hell I am ahead of her I got friends, although to be honest they don't seem nearly as interested in my life as Erin is of Whitney's. If these first two episodes are any indicator of the season then the producers are trying to remove all the silent staring from The Hills with methamphetamine induced speed talking. It is going to be a great season.

Humble Pie

So I think that I need to eat a large piece of humble pie. I just got home from picking up the lady who is the caretaker of our building from work. On Monday she came to my door and asked me if I would be so kind as to pick her up from work on Wednesday night. She said that the person who usually picked her up was unavailable for some reason so she had to find a new ride home. I was fairly caught off guard but I agreed to pick her up because Tis The Season and it would have been a pretty asshole thing to say no to her since I didn't have anything going on anyway. I wasn't so much worried about the hassle of picking her up but more so about the potentially awkward drive home. To my pleasant surprise, the drive home was actually quite enjoyable and I think I owe her an apology.

See, when I first met Leslie, the caretaker, I immediately seized on certain characteristics and then made assumptions about who she was. She is rather small in stature and has a raspy voice which makes her somewhat difficult to understand. To be honest I wasn't all that sure what I was agreeing to on Monday until the conversation was almost over. Due to this communication issue, I made the assumption that she was a little slow if not slightly touched in the head. Well it looks like I need to reassess how I look at other people and not make judgements until I get to know them. During our drive home I found out that Leslie graduated college with a degree in early childhood education and worked as a preschool teacher for something like 35 years. In 2006 her license was revoked, all she said was that she told off her employers and was subsequently fired. Due to being at that job for so long, she said she never really learned how to use computers so she had a rude awakening when she had to apply for jobs. 

Also during the drive we talked about the people who live in the building and I was even able to find out more about my building crush: First Floor Guy. Turns out he is from Germany and is only here for about a year. Any who, after riding with Leslie I learned that I could use a lesson or two about reserving judgement and not making assumptions. While rough around the edges at the beginning, Leslie is a sweet lady who proved me wrong.

Sleep is For Suckers

So right now I am sitting in a coffee shop near my apartment about to work on finishing my Statements of Purpose for grad school. Over the last three days I have already written 4 and I just have two more schools. I am hoping that it won't be too hard to punch out these last two but there may be a wrench in my mental gears; I got 3 hours of sleep last night. I kid you not, I think I finally fell asleep around 6 and I got up at 9. I swear I have had the worst insomnia for the past six months. To make a long story short, I dread going to bed because when I do, I lay there thinking about all the shit I have to do and I start freaking out about things. Usually I can silence this riot inside my head by repeating my mantra of, "I may have all these things to do but I can't do anything about them now so just let it go." Unfortunately this is harder to do when all I can think about is getting into (or not getting into) grad school. The rest of my applications are due a week from today and I am so looking forward to letting go of this part of the process. Once I turn them in they will not be my problem anymore, it will be in the hands of the admissions committee. But that puts a whole other panic to trying to fall asleep. Obviously I really want to go to grad school and I think I would be majorly bummed out if I didn't get in anywhere. I am applying to 8 schools and that is seen as on the lean side among people applying to clinical psychology programs.

In other news, I finally found a cute guy in my building! I think that he lives on the first floor and he has dirty blonde hair and some good looking scruff on his face. I met him when our caretaker, Leslie, buzzed all of our doors at 9 in the morning on Saturday because we had to move our cars from the lot so that it could be plowed. I didn't have one of those snow brushes at the time so I brought down a towel to brush off enough snow so that I could drive without killing anyone. As I was cleaning my car, first floor guy asked if I wanted to borrow his brush. I said sure so I took it from him as he drove his car over to the church parking lot next to our building. I cleaned my car and drove over to the lot and parked next to him. We then walked back to our building and said goodbye to each other. So yeah, we are going to be getting married pretty soon. I will get the announcements out as soon as possible.

I am heading home on the day of Baby Jesus' birth. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing my dad and brothers. Also, the weather will be a nice respite from the frigid winter that has taken over Minneapolis. I went to this thing called Holidazzle, its a parade of floats with varying themes covered in lights, with the girls this weekend and I am pretty sure I experienced the beginning stages of hypothermia. At one point I went inside the building we were standing next to so that I could warm up and I took my shoes off so that my feet could warm quicker. My shoes felt like mini ice-boats on my feet. I don't know what compels Minnesotans to hold a parade in the middle of December, Scandinavian resolve?, pride?, but only here would an outdoor parade be attended by so many people. Oh and my favorite float was the one with a circus theme and there were little children dressed and acting like animals. So adorable!

I am pretty sure I would give a non-vital organ to be this tan again: 

It may  not look like much by that is pretty dark for me and I can just feel the color slipping away from my body. I am not a pretty pale either.

Oh I totally forgot! I was talking to my dad yesterday and he told me a story that made me super happy. He was outside playing catch with my little brother Kevin and a plane happened to fly over them. Kevin looked up at it and said, "You know, if Joel was on that plane then that would mean he would be home and that would make me happy." Isn't that the sweetest thing you have ever heard? I love kids, whatever pops into their head they say. There is no self-sensor with children which is practically unheard of in adults.

Bandwagon And Boredom

So last night I finally was able to experience what the nightlife is like in my neighborhood. I have to say that it was a pretty good time. Of course the 3 liters of beer I drank probably didn't hurt either. At one point Gina and I were left alone when the others went to get another round of drinks and we got to talking about a recent post she had done on her blog. The post consisted of a survey that asked questions and your response can only be one word. I thought that that sounded like a cool idea so I decided that I would do it myself since I am sitting around doing nothing.

One Word Survey

Where is your mobile phone? Table
Where is your significant other? Who?
Your hair colour? Boring
Your mother? Effervescent
Your father? Constant
Your friends? Irreplaceable
Your favourite thing? Family
Your dream last night? Forgotten 
Your ultimate goal? Calm
Your fear? Cynicism
The room you're in? Unfinished
What is overrated? Morning
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Growing
Where were you last night? Boozing
What you're not? Mellow
One of your wish-list items? Employment
Where you grew up? Home
The last thing you did? Read
What are you wearing? Guns
Your TV? Unplugged
Your pets? Furry
Your computer? Apple
Your mood? Pensive
Missing someone? Constantly
Favourite word? Apropos
Something you're not wearing? Underwear
Favourite shop? B&N
Your summer? Unappreciated
Love someone? Hopefully
Your favourite colour? Blue
When is the last time you laughed? Friends 
When is the last time you cried? Reading

Political Mastermind

I would like to draw everyone's attention to this recent post on Perez Hilton. Needless to say my political prowess would be a crucial addition to the Obama administration. Honestly I would be happy in any role but after my almost prescient post two days ago on what type of dog the Obamas should get I think it is clear that choosing Rahm Emanuel as Chief of Staff was a little too hasty. That phone call should be coming any time now.

Solid, Solid As Barack! That Is What We G-G-G-G-Got!

A friend recently demanded that I update my blog. I told her that I don't want to update it just for the sake of adding a post. If I don't have anything going on in my life that I feel is worthy of being broadcasted on the internet, I leave this blog alone. Lucky for me and my friend, something has happened in my life that warrants a post. We are gonna have a puppy in the White House!!! God I am so excited. I wonder what kind of dog they are gonna bring? Maybe a designer dog, but that might be seen as a garish display of wealth during these troubling economic times. A mutt bought from the pound might be a nice touch, nothing too flashy, but fleas and kennel cough is always a worry. Also, it isn't very presidential to have a three-legged pooch hobbling around the West Wing. Either way, this is just another tough decision President-Elect Obama will have to make as Commander-in-Chief. 

It is such an unbelievable feeling to have voted for someone who actually won. Four years ago I begrudgingly voted for Kerry, more so to get Bush out of office than to put Kerry in office. This time around it was like a dream come true. Not only was Bush leaving but I could vote for a candidate that filled me with hope and excitement. Because it seemed too good to be true, I was just waiting for something to happen that would screw up Obama's chances. As the days passed and we got nearer to election day I became more and more paranoid that the Repubs had some dastardly deeds up their sleeves to negate Obama's lead. Now on the other side of Nov. 4th I can breathe easier because my man is in office. Finally we can move forward to a future where our children will look back and be jealous that we were 20-somethings around the turn of the century just like we are jealous of our parents living through the 60's. Yes We Did!

Tater-Tot Hot Dish Lovin'

So right now I am sitting in a Caribou coffee shop down the street from Gina's house. I have finally made the big move back to the Midwest and it has been a whirlwind on a week. First, Gina flew to Vegas so that she could make the theoretical 26 hour drive (it turned out to be 30+ hours) from Sin City to the land of lakes and ya betcha's. I won't go into all that happened on that magical two day drive through our nation's heartland but needless to say that our friendship is stronger than ever. My dad said to me that he was genuinely surprised that we were still able to stand each other after that drive. I am not sure if that is an indictment on me or what but I think I was an absolute pleasure of a road-trip buddy.

Within the first five hours of our drive I received a phone call informing me that the apartment that I thought I had saved until my arrival was leased out from under me. So that was super awesome driving to a city in which I would be homeless if it were not for the infinite hospitality of Minnesota Niceness. Gina's family has taken me in this past week and I have been able to experience the raucous family I never had. I love that there is something always going on in that house. When I was growing up I just remember a lot of quiet except for when my brother was fighting with our parents. You would have thought we were blue-blooded WASPS who did not speak above a snooty whisper. Luckily I was able to procure a place within the first week of being here. I went to one of those apartment search places and the most energized woman I have ever met made me four viewing appointments in less than 20 minutes. She was talking so fast that I couldn't follow a single thing she was saying. It didn't really matter though because the second meeting I had turned out to be the apartment I will be moving into this Friday. I will be living in the trendy area of Minneapolis known as Uptown. It kinda has the same vibe as Lakeview in Chicago.

I just realized that I never posted about actually taking the GRE. It went pretty well and I am happy with my score. I got a 1360 which I think should be good enough for the schools that I plan on applying to. Thank god I won't have to take that test ever again. It was 3.5 hours of mental alertness. Also, I can't really describe the feeling of being able to view your score right after the test but it could be most likened to what I would imagine it would feel like to have your stomach fall out of your butt. Of course I celebrated that night by having a few drinks. Unfortunately I literally mean a few drinks because my tolerance is now abysmal due to not drinking during the month prior to the test. After three beers I was texting up a storm and telling my brother's BFF things that you don't tell someone who you have only seen a handful of times (i.e. my first time with another guy).

I will be heading to Madison in about a week and I cannot wait to reunite with friends and my own personal Garden of Eden, Amy's Cafe. If you want to know where I am a week from this Friday, just look in the back area of Amy's. Most likely I will be nuzzling the strongest F-ing Vod-Ton I've ever had.

I'm Taking the GRE Day After Tomorrow, But Instead...

So I am taking the GRE the day after tomorrow and I should be going over math problems and looking up what the word pusillanimous means (it means cowardly or weak, guess how I remember it) but instead I felt that I should write about something that has happened to me while I have been living at home. I am not sure how I feel about it because it is something that I never thought would happen. Over the past several weeks I have slowly developed not only a forced interest in baseball, but I actually will turn it on when no one else is home. Trust me when I say that I am surprised as anyone by this development. 

By default, as well as the threat of bodily harm from Jordan, I am a supporter and fan of the Chicago Cubs. I am completely fine with this because after being to Chicago a few times during Cubs games I can honestly say that Cubs fans are some of the nicest, most gracious people you will ever meet. The same cannot be said for White Sox fans who are assholes. As some of you may know, the Cubs are officially in the postseason playoffs. Right now who they will be playing comes down to either the Brewers or the Mets. I am not sure who would increase their chances of winning because as I am told, by my little brothers, both teams have the worst bullpens in the League. I guess if I could choose I would say the Brewers because I would love to read everyone's status updates on Facebook cursing the Cubs.

There is one more reason why I am a fan of and have developed an interest in the Cubs. Ryan Theriot, a.k.a The Riot. Theriot plays shortstop and has recently been hitting above 300. Now this is his second year on the team and he has proven himself to not only be a great player, but a fan favorite. Thats all well and good but my fascination with him has nothing to do with his batting record. I think he is way cute. Look at that face how can you not love him? It's that mug that helps me make it through 3+ hours of Cubs games with my family.

I Don't Normally Do This But...

As many of you know, I don't particularly consider myself to be politically minded. I do consider myself to be liberal both fiscally and socially and I think that after attending UW-Madison it is pretty obvious that I plan on voting for Obama on November 4th. Until this summer I would very rarely think about politics for fear that my rising anger would cause me to mutate into a green behemoth and lay waste to all that was around me. The thing is, whenever I think about politics I become extremely pissed. When I dwell on the fact that an entire party (and yes I will place all self-identified Republicans in one group) bases one of its planks on denying the rights of others because they believe that group to be morally inferior, I think it is understandable that my blood boils. Now I know when it comes to gay rights, the Democrats, as a whole, are not that much better, but I feel that they are more likely to shake my hand with one hand while not stabbing me in the back with the other.

I don't claim to be highly knowledgeable on the present political climate but over the past few months I have been trying to become informed. Prior to this road to discovery I assumed that when you boil everything down both of the parties are fairly similar. In today's election the outcome is determined by the undecideds. What this means to me is that each candidate must be as moderate as their parties' diehards will allow. Which is why I find it laughable that McCain claims to be a maverick. I won't argue that in the past he hasn't at times fought against his own party to get things he believes should be done done. But to become his party's nominee he has inherently agreed to carry their standard to the epic battle on November 4th. I won't be so presumptuous as to think the Republican party was tricked into choosing a nominee who would daring enough to go against their interests.

With Obama, I truly do have hope that he will change this country for the better. I do think that regardless of his international experience, the sole fact that we will have a Democrat in office will help America's cred with the rest of the world. One of the attacks that has been used against Obama is that he is out of touch with regular Americans because he is elitist and an intellectual. First of all, McCain is married to a former pill popper who is heir to a beer fortune; that seems to be more elitist than Obama and Michelle who met in law school. Second of all since when is ignorance and stupidity qualities we want in our leader? I want the person who holds the highest office in the world to think once in awhile.

It has taken me a very long time to reach a point where I would risk writing a political post on my blog. As with starting this blog, I am highly self-conscious when it comes to what I write. When I first started this blog, I thought to myself that to have a blog means that you must think you are interesting enough to have people read what you say. Once I overcame that I decided that I would keep this space light-hearted and not delve into anything of substance. Times have changed though and regardless of what people will think about what I have just written, I belive that it was time for me to have my say. Have at it.

INTRANSIGENT : FLEXIBILITY :: SHOOT : ME

So I have been studying for the past few weeks for the GRE which I am taking a week from Friday. What I have learned so far from this whole thing is that I will never understand math intuitively. Give me a passage describing the migration pattern of birds and I will comprehend the shit out of it. But if you give me a circle inscribed inside of a square or a percentage problem and I shut down in seconds. Pretty much I have been doing math problems every day until my mind feels fuzzy and then I allow myself to decompress the rest of the day. I have taken a couple of practice tests and I guess I am happy with my score but who knows if it will be good enough for the schools I will be applying to. Whenever I talk to people on the phone and they ask me what I am up to I tell them nothing really except for studying for the GRE. It may be sad but all I really do each day is study and then hang out. I have been looking for apartments in Minneapolis in preparation of moving there at the beginning of October.

I felt that I should update this blog but I don't really have much to tell. Mostly I am just uber excited to move to Minneapolis in less than a month. Granted I don't have a job yet or a place to live but I am sure finding a place won't be too hard at all and hopefully a job will come next. my plan is to apply to various mental health institutions such as group homes or day centers. The group homes should be easier to get a job at but I think that working at a day center would be a great experience because in a way it would be like unofficial therapy. Either one would be great experience. Also I have decided that I am gonna volunteer at whatever GLBT Center they have in Minneapolis. Lucky enough for me I have straight friends already in Minneapolis but I would really like to make friends who are of the same orientation as myself. Besides I need to have at least a couple dates while I am there right?

Reindeer Games

Since I returned from Seattle, I have been in a huge funk. I think part of it is due to the fact that I had to say goodbye to some really great friends. Unlike with some other friends, I don't really know the next time I will see any of them. The other part is that now that I am back in Vegas, the next part of my life needs to start. My trip to Seattle was the official end to my summer and now I need to get working on the various projects that will get me where I need to go. First things first though, I need to start studying for that freaking GRE. Unfortunately, in order to not hyperventilate when thinking about my future, I sit on the couch all day and watch T.V. so that I don't have to think. I know I sound like such a productive member of society. 

In other news, I went out a couple nights ago to get drinks with my dad and some of his coworkers. Jordan met me in front of the MGM and we went inside and met my dad at this swanky lounge. Jordan and I felt like we were put at the little kids table because we were kind of off to the side of my dad and his friends. It was a pretty good time and Jordan and I talk about various things. At one point Jordan got up to go to the bathroom so I was sitting alone and listening to the conversation my dad's group was having and I swear they sounded like they were twenty. Whenever an attractive woman walked by they would comment on her or one of them would talk about how his wife was driving him crazy. At various points I was included in the conversation as well. As far as I could tell, my dad had not clued his coworkers into which team I played for, and why should he have. I felt like I was in bizarro world, or that I was behind enemy lines or something. Being part of their conversation demystified my ideas of what straight men are like. Even these men who are quite successful, talk like they are in freaking gym class. When it comes down to it I think I am happy where I am, with the girls and the gays.

Watching: Forrest Gump

I'm Half Italian, Half Jessica Simpson

This past week I was lucky enough to be able to visit some friends in Seattle. Upon my arrival I was informed that Seattle is known as the Emerald City due to the amount of trees and various flora that surrounds the city. Without sounding too much like a gay cliche, by nightfall I definitely felt like I wasn't in Kansas anymore. I was staying with some friends who live on Queen Anne Hill which is right across Lake Union from Capitol Hill, the gay neighborhood. It took less than 8 hours for me to be drinking in various establishments with the typical thinly veiled names: The Cuff (my favorite), Purr, R Place Neighbors. To best explain my foray into gay Seattle I will break it down into the few encounters I had with the locals.

Anthony- about 5'3" somewhat squirrelly, and quite chatty.

"Hi, my names Anthony, what's yours?"

"Um, my names Joel, what's up?"

"Not much, just so you know I'm part Italian and part Jessica Simpson."

"What does that even mean, like are you buffalo chicken wings Jessica or Chicken of the Sea Jessica because it matters?"

"Hey I gotta go find my friends, see you later Joel."

To my surprise Anthony kept popping up when I would least expect it. At one point Kyle had to tip me off that he was nearby seeing as how I was talking about how weird he was.

Rando- I was too drunk to notice fine details like height and name

"Do you have any coke?"

"Huh?"

"Do you have any coke?"

"What about a joke?"

"COKE!"*taps his nose*

"Oh uh sorry I don't."

Jerry- 6'3" at least 250lbs, leather harness

I was with Kyle because we were about to head to the dance floor and boogie down when he ran into the guy who sold him and Josh their sweet T.V. I was standing just kinda looking around when this large bear, Jerry, came up to me and asked me what my name was. Now at this point in the night I was only able to tell him my name and then proceed to laugh and smile like an idiot. Do not be confused that I was reacting this way because I was into Jerry, I just couldn't get over how ridiculous of a situation I was in. Jerry and I talked for awhile, he told me I had cute dimples, finally Josh found me. As I was turned away from Jerry to talk to Josh, Jerry took it upon himself to give me an unsolicited back rub. Needless to say I booked it out of there as fast as possible. 

There you have it. I experienced the diverse mosaic of gay life in Seattle and I was able to escape with no scars, physical or emotional, and some awesome stories. The biggest surprise of all though was the fact that I feel in love at first sight with a man wearing only a leather vest and jeans. I shit you not, I froze when I saw this man. Even better when he saw that I was staring, he smiled back at me and asked me how I was doing. Unfortunately his friends pulled him away before I could get his name. 

Ahh Seattle I will be back soon!

Listening to: Mamma Mia Soundtrack

Hindsight 20/20 or 40/30?

So last night I had the craziest dream. So that you don't tune out on this post I won't go into details but lets say that it involved an old friend, Mike, from high school. It wasn't so much what the dream was about but the fact that I haven't really thought about Mike all that much since freshmen year of college. Due to this dream, all day today I have been thinking about my four years in high school. While the rational part of my brain knows that high school was hardly the best time of my life, the emotional part remembers it as a series of cliched clips that could be taken out of any teen movie. Before I go further I want to address the people who thought high school was the best time of their lives; I pity them. I would hate to think that the best time of my life happened when I was so young. I am looking forward to my 20s like woah. I even think that my 30s will be something to write home about. It just seems to me that those people are selling their futures short.

Back to the main point of this post, my memories of high school don't seem to coincide with what actually happen. I met up with my best friend from high school, Elyse, tonight for coffee. She and I were having a great time reminiscing about all that we had been through together during the last two years of high school. When I really think about the past I can come up with many memories that are particularly happy but those aren't the ones that readily surface. I think that that is one of life's small blessings. When thinking about the past, it seems that the memories that resurface are predominantly the good ones.

Watching: Michael Phelps win his seventh Gold.

Peace Out Madison!

So today was my last day in Madison for the foreseeable future. Yesterday was supposed to be my last day in Madison. Liz and Gina drove me to the airport and we had a tearful goodbye, promising to keep in touch and that this isn’t the last time we were seeing each other. I went inside up to the check-in counter and gave the person my I.D. He asked me if I had already checked in; I had not. Well long story short, it turns out that priceline.com, may they burn in hell, cancelled my flight due to fraud issues. The thing is I buy my flight home on my dad’s credit card and I have never had a problem before but I guess this time they finally caught me for identity fraud. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for that meddlesome Willy Shatner.

So I ended up calling the girls back and asking them if they could pick me up because as of then I wasn’t going anywhere. Things didn’t turn out as bad as they could have been. I was able to have one more night with my roommates and I was able to help them clean the apartment. We also got to watch our late summer obsession: the games of the 26^th Olympiad. Last nights 4x100 freestyle relay was the most insane thing I have ever seen. All three of us were screaming and our upstairs neighbors were pounding on the floor. I can’t even lie and say that I didn’t feel a little patriotic when Phelps and the others were on the podium while our national anthem played. I will agree with Gina though and say that Japan’s Anthem was surprisingly beautiful and majestic.

Right now I am sitting in the Cleveland Airport, nothing special, and I am thinking about all the things I have to look forward to. I am headed to Seattle in 10 days to visit some friends that moved out there earlier this summer. After that it is a short month until I take the GRE. I am definitely worried about the test but people I talk to tell me that it isn’t anything to worry about. I should be moving to Minneapolis in early October which I think will be an amazing adventure. I don’t really know what is going to come down the pipeline but as of right now I think I can handle it.

I promise to not wait another 2+ months to update this blog. Now that we are all scattered to the winds, this blog’s importance in keeping in touch with everyone has majorly increased. I hope you all do the same and update as well.

Artist: Bright Eyes

Sneaking Suspicions

So I haven’t posted for quite some time. The reason for this is that on some level I knew what I would be writing about and I didn’t want to face it. For the past few weeks I have been staying up later and later, dreading the point when I attempt to fall asleep. Therefore, I end up falling asleep around 4:30-5:00 in the morning and then waking some time around noon in a major funk. Each night I tell myself that I will force myself to wake up so that I can have a full day and reset my sleep schedule but when my alarm goes off in the morning I turn it off right away. I have been in this daze for the past two weeks and I don’t know what to do about it. The problem is I have more time than things to fill that time so I end up wasting the day in bed. For some reason I am majorly scared that somehow I am going to totally mess up my entire life. I don’t have a job right now because I will only be in Madison for about two more months and luckily I am in a position where I don’t have to get a job right away. I don’t want to be one of those people who complain about how their good life made it difficult for them to handle real life because I don’t feel that way. All I have ever known and been good at was school and now I have to enter the real world and I am terrified that I am gonna screw up royally. I have a general outline about what I am going to be doing but an outline isn’t a guarantee.

This all boils down to one thing: I have no control over my life and I don’t handle lack of control well. Sometimes it is much easier to just go with the flow rather than forcing yourself to do something that may be hard but good for you. I can see it clearly in how I have been living my life since summer started. I have lost all self-control and just acted on my hedonistic impulses. Not gonna lie they may have to take away the Former from my FFK status. I go out at least three nights a week and then pillage the late night eateries on State St. Before summer started I joked to my roommates that by the end of the summer I hoped to have developed an addiction to a hard drug. The way things look right now, that isn’t so much of a joke anymore. Obviously things are not as dire as I am making them in this post but I have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills. I once thought I had frostbite on my toe when in actuality it was just a blister; WebMD is the devil. All in all I need a major change in my life right now and I think that this post is going to be my public declaration that I am gonna start tomorrow. I know it is going to be hard in the beginning but nothing good ever came easy. Ugh that is such a cliché but it’s true.

Artist: Your Vegas

Carpe M’Fing Diem!

So today was one small step for man, one giant leap for JSP. Today I did something that I haven’t done since I was in the eighth grade. Today I asked a guy out (just to clarify, I asked a girl out in the eighth grade). I have been planning this since; oh I don’t know, Monday. I am not someone who you would call spontaneous. If given time to plan, I can be as impetuous as the next guy. So yeah, this was kinda a big deal for me. I definitely thought I would have been so much smoother than I actually was. I am pretty sure I sounded like I was speaking a mile a minute. Also, the phone call lasted less than like 2 minutes. I pretty much said hey how is it going, and then do you want to go to dinner on Tuesday night.  He said yes which is good. Of course once I was off the phone I was over thinking what I had just done. Did he say yes because he wanted to say yes or did he say yes because he felt obligated? I don’t know, I think I am just a huge spaz.

I think that I need to focus on the fact that it is just dinner and that is all. I am gonna be leaving Madison in a little over two months. I think that is partially why I am acting so out of character. Knowing that I could go out of my comfort zone without being completely vulnerable I think allowed me to do this. Also, I am not like completely in love with the guy that I asked out. I think he is way cute and fun but we have only hung out twice. The thing is I kinda went out of order in terms of the whole going on a date and then getting to “know” each other.  I can say one thing; he is a really good kisser. So we will see how things go on Tuesday. Obviously I will post about the whole thing; unless it goes horribly and I am too busy boozing away the sadness.

Watching: Brothers and Sisters

Heyyyyy Brother.

So my brother will be arriving in Madison in about 20 minutes. He is here for my graduation, which is on Sunday. I haven’t really felt like I was graduating until my bro called when he landed in Milwaukee. I can’t believe that it is actually here. I picked up my cap and gown today with Gina and Sara and it was surprisingly ordinary. For some reason I feel like these events should be happening with more poignancy. Like when I got my cap and gown, the Chancellor should have been there to bestow upon me the sacred crimson and white tassel rather than some random dude who yelled, “Joel Pessermin.”

Thank God that today I feel relatively healthy compared to the last week. I only had to take three Advil rather than the blitzkrieg of Tylenol Cold and Flu, Dayquil and horse tranquilizers (guess which one I didn’t actually take, you’d be surprised). Tonight I think we are just gonna lay low and grab some dinner, but tomorrow will be a glorious day that will be remembered for ages; tomorrow is Terrace Thursday. Now I know that that probably doesn’t mean much to most of you but trust me when I say that if 20 years from now I was asked to sum up my college experience in one moment I would say Terrace Thursday. I should clarify that tomorrow is the 2^nd annual Terrace Thursday, the first one occurring last year of course. This was the day that the beer ran like water from the taps. I don’t know how much we all drank but it ended with Tal dancing in the fountain in Library Mall and Gina puking in her bathroom, demanding an audience. I can’t really remember if I did anything that was of note but come on; it’s me. So yeah tomorrow will be off the heezy.

Artist: Death Cab for Cutie

Charles II Was Straight Up Pimpin!

So I should totally be writing my History take-home right now but I would rather blog about nothing in particular. So my lab had our Senior dinner this past Thursday and it was surprisingly more bearable than I was expecting. DG took us to a restaurant that is best described as an Olive Garden without those heinous TV commercials. Have you seen those commercials? There is one where a woman is standing, scanning the dining room and a hostess comes and asks her who she is looking for. The woman responds that she is looking for her date. The hostess asks what her date looks like and the woman says he has brown hair and his shoes are probably untied. Now I am sure you are as perplexed as the hostess and I on what kind of guy this attractive blonde woman is dating if he can’t tie his shoes? Well let me throw you a curveball; a child comes running up to the blonde woman yelling, “Mom!” Sure enough he has brown hair and his shoes are definitely untied. Damn you Olive Garden for tricking me! How could I have not figured out it was her son? But seriously, I freaking hate that shit. Back to our dinner, DG dropped mad cash on us. There were nine people total and in addition to our dinners she bought four appetizers and four desserts. The conversation was good; MadJ sat across from me so we carried on in private a fair amount of the time. Oh I almost forgot, I accidently invited DG to the gay bar…woops.

In other aspects of my life, we have entered finals week here at UW and I have a cold. I think I may have shocked my body too much working out the Monday after Mifflin. I am trying to recuperate before my brother gets here on Wednesday for my graduation. God knows he expects me to show him a good time and I won’t be able to if I am an incubus of viral plague (name that movie!). Even though I am under the weather I was able to make a showing on Thursday night by going out with the lab. There was drama drama drama. This tends to happen now that the five of us have hung out for the year. I got in trouble because my attention was focused on a kid from my psych class this semester. He and I talked for a fair amount of the night and I guess this wasn’t kosher with others in the group. The way I see it, everyone else was talking to other people so I don’t see why I should be reprimanded because I was hanging with someone outside of the lab. I understand that it was our last hurrah but I mean I was hanging with them for a good deal of time prior to my class friend showing up. Oh well everything was worked out in the end.

So I realized as I was writing this post, I don’t like to write the word f***. I have no problem saying it but for some reason typing makes it seem really intense. Like if I were to say, “God, I fucking hate Olive Garden commercials,” you would think that I find them to be worst thing in the world. In actuality I just find them to be really dumb and contrived. So yeah, I don’t think I will be typing the word f*** when I blog but rest assured I say it all the time in my daily life.

Artist: Daft Punk, crazy shit.

Remember to Breath

So I was going to title this blog entry, “The Best Way to Detoxify is to Retoxify”, but I think I have written enough entries about going out and having a great time. This past weekend was the annual Mifflin Street Block Party. I had a super great time with my friends and there are definitely stories that I will remember (surprisingly!) for the rest of my life. I won’t go into details because I want to write about something that has been bothering me for the past few weeks. I figure it was only a matter of time before I wrote the obligatory “graduation fears” post. I am sure everyone else who is graduating is freaking out as well but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel really really scared. The only life I have known for the past four years is about to be royally turned upside down. I am fortunate enough to have a family who is completely supportive of me taking the next year off before going to graduate school.

What I think is really bothering me is that I have just started to become the man who I want to be. It really hasn’t been till this year that I have started to feel comfortable in my own skin. When I look back on the past three years it is as if I am looking at three different Joels. I had no fucking idea who I was freshmen year but I don’t think anyone knows who they are in their first year. Gina affectionately refers to sophomore year as my “GAY year”. During this year I dabbled in all things stereotypically gay. All that I took from this year was a deep appreciation of Madonna and a unique set of “make-out” songs. (If you want to know what the songs are post a comment and I will reveal them. Trust me they are doozies.) Junior year was my hump year. I had just started working in a research lab and I was way busier than ever before. Also, my living situation was only made bearable by frequent excursions to Gina’s apartment and holing up in my roommate Kara’s room. I can honestly say that junior year blew major ass. I think that is why I made a concerted effort to make this year the best it could be and for the most part it has been.

I know it is childish but I don’t want things to change. I have met so many awesome people this year and deepened relationships with others. I can only hope that this summer will be one of the best ever. I am worried though because so many people I love are going to be leaving right after graduation. Even just thinking about my friends leaving makes my eyes water (Yeah, I know, I can be a little emotional). I know I have a readership of tens, (if that), but I would appreciate any advice with dealing with such an insane time.

Artist: Madonna, how apropos 

Nerd Fest ‘08

So this past week I was required to attend the Undergraduate Research Symposium. Last year I received a grant to run my own study under the guidance of DG. It has been a buttload of work and it all pretty much culminated on the poster I presented at the Symposium. Rather than being excited about showing all my hard work to like-minded nerds, I was more excited to rock my new suit. The last time I had to wear a suit was when I was at a nerd camp for kids who wanted to be doctors. Are we seeing a trend? Not to toot my own horn but I think I looked pretty snazzy. I couldn’t help but strut around Madison like the city was one big catwalk. I was pretty surprised at how well I knew the ins and outs of my study. DG was the quintessential stage mom during the whole thing. I am pretty sure we took over 20 pictures some of which were action shots of me describing the poster. Jesus H.

This past weekend I went out with the guys from the lab. We went to the Shammy as I now affectionately call it. I had a blast just hanging around talking with each other. I don’t really get the point of trying to pick someone up at the bar. What will become of it other than a one maybe two-night stand? Also, who knows what you could catch from some of the skeezes that frequent such establishments. I don’t mean to judge but I think it is fairly reasonable to assume that a guy who gets it on with multiple men isn’t exactly the poster child for a STI-free life. I guess when I imagine meeting someone, I think of it being in a sober setting rather than stumbling into some rando and asking, “Your place or mine?”

I have mad homework to do this week. A week from tomorrow I have both a paper and presentation due in my psychodynamic class. I should be working on it right now but I would much rather waste time on the Internet than actually face work. Huh turns out that in Microsoft word the word “Internet” is capitalized. I did not see that coming.

Artist: Tokyo Police Club

Hey My Mojito!

So in the previous post I started to talk about this guy who had asked for my number when I was out with my lab friends. Well last Sunday we got together and had a drink at the Shamrock. It was interesting to see the type of people who choose to spend their Sundays at a dive bar. It seemed to be mostly older men just hanging out with friends and there were a couple of younger guys too. Well Steve and I sat down and he got us the drinks (what a gentleman). So he and I are chatting and he seems fairly cool. I don’t really like his laugh all that much, which could be a problem because, lets be honest, an annoying laugh is like rat poison to any relationship. Also, he does this thing where he pretends to makes notes of things I am saying. At one point I said that Love Actually is probably my favorite movie and he says, “Uh oh, you said love in the first 10 minutes of the conversation. You better slow down.” Seriously? It was like we were having two completely different conversations. So we finish our drinks and we decide to leave. He says that he will give a call later in the week to hang out.

So instead of calling, we have been texting back and forth. Over the past week I have been called mojito, porn star, and naughty boy. Seems like someone likes to use pet names unfortunately I find them to be revolting and creeptastic. At one point I wondered if he had forgotten my name and was trying to hide it. I have also received two poems set in the style of “Roses are red, Violets are blue” so obviously he is a renaissance man. Needless to say I think there may be a disconnect between who he thinks I am and who I actually am. I totally forgot to tell you his age: 31! Now I don’t consider myself to really care about age but in this case it seems to bring an added element to the budding relationship; if you could call it that. I get the feeling that the fact that I am 10 years younger adds to his attraction to me. He talks to me like I am a kid. I don’t know, I just am not feeling him in the way he seems to be feeling me.

He texted me today to tell me to keep next weekend open because he wants me to go out with him and his friends to Club 5. For those of you who don’t know, Club 5 is Madison’s gay club, and I use that term loosely because the place is tiny and skeezy as shit. Back to Steve, he said that his friends want to meet me. Here’s the thing, he doesn’t even know me; we hung out once. I don’t really think that I should be introduced to his friends this soon. Oh and the fact that he wants to go dancing doesn’t really jive with me either. I have to be near blackout before I bust any moves. I will say that when I do, I can drop it like it’s hot with the best of them. So all in all I am not exacting feeling butterflies in my stomach.

I think what I need to do is stop waiting for the guys I am into to ask me out rather than just being proactive and ask them out myself. That is my homework for the next time I got the hots for someone.

Artist: Tegan and Sara; Deathcab for Cutie

I Ain’t A Playa, I Just Crush A Lot!

So this past weekend I went out with my fellow research lab members. We got dinner at a restaurant that claims to specialize in traditional Wisconsin fare; which means there was a lot of beer, cheese, and beef. Needless to say I was in heaven. I guess I should confess that I am an FKS or for those not in the know, a former fat kid. Now I want to emphasis the former part because it is an important distinction not only for my psyche but also because former fat kids still can eat like they shop in the husky section of the department store. I packed that pepperjack cheeseburger with bacon in like it ain’t no thang. We all got drinks with our meals and I can honestly say that I will miss all the different beers they make here in Wisconsin.

I should give the breakdown of who makes up my lab. There are ten people in all but only five of us are worth knowing about. The five are Kyle, Jordan, Vika, MadJ and myself. We all head over to a coffee shop and wine bar that Kyle used to work at and we sit down to have a few drinks. The girls decide to head home, which they usually do and the rest of us, including Kyle’s boyfriend Josh decide to head to the bars. If you haven’t already guessed, all us guys are gay so we headed to Shamrock’s, Madison’s premier gay bar.

We are all having a great time, talking to each other and people we know. I notice this short guy, which means something since I am 5’8”, who has a mad ‘fro and major meth face. He keeps staring at me as he walks by and I am getting majorly creeped out. Kyle offers to pretend to be my boyfriend and I have never been more grateful in my entire life. Why do I always get the winners? So they announce last call and we all start to get ready to leave. I am leaning against the wall facing the bar and I notice this guy looking at me. I, in my usual fashion, keep averting my eyes because when I am drunk I assume that the guy thinks I am staring at him and that he is weirded out. So this continues for a while until he waves me over. We start to talk and he ends up asking for my number, which was pretty bomb since he didn’t look like an addict with a horrible hairstyle.

I’ll let you know how that turns out.

Artist: Panic At the Disco

So What Are You Going to do With Your Life?

Seeing as how I am going to be graduating this May, I have been getting this question a lot. I even got this question from some random waitress at an Applebee’s-type place a few months back. She was caring enough to inform me that my Bachelors in Psychology doesn’t really offer a lot of job opportunities without further education.

Which brings me to what has probably contributed to my sudden case of insomnia in the past week. I have been vacillating between either going to graduate school for clinical psychology or going to law school. I am fortunate enough to have a family that allows me to make my own decisions without feeling pressured to go in any particular direction. My Dad, whose opinion I value pretty much above everyone else’s, has told me that whatever I decide to do he will be there for me. I don’t know too many people who are lucky enough to have a dad like that. Unfortunately though, I am feeling tremendous pressure from my research professor to go in the direction of research-oriented clinical psych. This person, who we will call DG, conceives of plans for everyone including her “boyfriend’s” son who is 9; he will be going to a particular Ivy League he just doesn’t know it yet. I would go into why I know such intimate details about my academic superior but this post isn’t about DG; more on DG at a later date.

Okay, back to my future. I really think that I would feel fulfilled if I went to grad school for psych. I am fairly confident that I would do well in law school but I don’t think that my heart is really in it. I don’t want to be one of those people who just do something so that they can make money to enjoy other aspects of life. In the long run I think it is more important to do something you love rather than just work a job. I am taking a year off before applying to either school so that is helpful. One thing that I do feel confident about is that it is okay that I don’t already know what I want to do with my life. I am only 21 years old, I don’t really think I should have my entire life planned out yet. I don’t even know who I am completely and I have had over two decades to work on that. So that is where I am at right now.

Ahh fuck it, I just need a sugar daddy. Now there’s a profession for ya.

“So what do you do?”

“Oh I do an old guy and roll around in roller skates and hot pants. I am expecting him to croak soon. You’re a CPA right? How’s that going?”

“Fine, tax season is coming up so you know I’m pretty busy.”

Sorry, that was kinda random.

NEW FEATURE: I am gonna write what I am listening to as I write my posts so that you can get an idea of how ridiculously random my music tastes are.

Artist: Imogen Heap

And I wondered…?

Any self-respecting gay man or straight woman will recognize the title of this post as the beginning of SJP’s rhetorical questions on Sex and the City, ranging from whether men and women can truly “get” each other or whether babies and shoes are comparable in worth. I have realized that if my goal of being an amateur blogger turned blogger star is going to be realized, I need something that will be my hook. Should I trash celebrities while still worshiping them as mystic tan idols? (I do both of these things in my daily life anyway. That Posh Spice is freakin awesome!) Or should I start “Outing” people who are doing a disservice to the LGBT community? (I am not a fan of confrontation so I think this is out of the question too. Besides I am too far away from the political arena being in Madison.) Either way, I need to think of something.

In other news, yesterday I had Yoga at 8:50 in the morning. This is definitely one of the perks of being a graduating senor; I am able to take blow-off classes even if they are at the ass-crack of dawn. I didn’t do any yoga over the break so I don’t know why I thought that I would be fine in class. Today my body seems to be perpetually tensed which I am pretty sure is exactly the opposite of how I am supposed to feel. I’m in the class with my friend Kyle and he found it amusing when I was trying to do the Candlestick pose. I usually pride myself on my wicked balance but yesterday it was as if I was Lucille 2, suffering from functionally debilitating Vertigo. Oh well, Phyllis, the instructor, tells us it is the journey not the destination that is important.

Oh, speaking of Eastern philosophy, I am sure you remember from my previous post I had accidently selflessly given $25 dollars to a homeless man. Well yesterday when I went to Starbucks to get my Grande Decaf coffee (I can’t handle even the smallest amount of caffeine, I know it’s weak-sauce) they were in the process of brewing some. They said that because I would have to wait it was on the house. Fuckin Bomb! I can’t think of a clearer example of karma, can you?

Can I have that back?

Many years ago, when I was a wide-eyed, bushy-tailed freshman I would walk with my friend Gina to the Walgreens where here roommate Annie worked. We would wait for her until she got off of work and then walk her back to the dorms. One night as we waited a homeless man was standing by us asking passersby for money for the bus to Rockford. It wasn’t long before he turned to us to ask for help on his journey to a better future. Gina and I were caught up in his speech of giving up the drink and having a job set up in Rockford. Needless to say we felt honored to assist him; so we each gave him five dollars and wished him good luck in Rockford. We truly thought that was the last we would see of this man starting his second chance on life.

That weekend as our entire floor set out for a party, Gina and I spotted that same man, smelling of booze, hocking the same empty promises of heading to Rockford and starting a new job. I looked at Gina and in that moment we lost our high school innocence and became jaded college students.

One might ask why am I taking this stroll down memory lane? Well tonight I had another run in with a man lamenting his hard knock life. I am going to set the scene before giving a verbatim account of what transpired. I walk out of a coffee shop, where I was studying, to make a phone call and a homeless man came up to me and asked:

“Hey man can I have some money, I need to buy milk for my kid.”

This is indeed a particularly sad situation. I must admit at first I was going to respond with my usual M.O. “I don’t have any money.” Instead I say, as I hold the ringing phone to my ear:

“Sure, I think I have a dollar.”

I reach into my wallet and I see I have a five so I decide, fine I will give him the five. I pull out the five and hand it to him only to realize seconds later that there had been a twenty inside the folded five. TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS!!! I don’t care if you think I am a bastard for not wanting to give the man $25 for his son’s milk, that is not spare change. I will say that you can call me a bastard for what I said after realizing what I had done:

“Can I have that back?”

I know, I ‘m a dick. I wasn’t thinking at the time. My phone was ringing during the entire time of this transaction and he was coming at me with fast questions; I was disoriented. The man closed his hand around the money so I was pretty sure I wasn’t gonna be getting that Jackson back. Admitting defeat, I turn away from the guy because the voicemail has finally come on for me to leave a message. Just as I am about to start talking, the man comes back and asks”

“Are you mad at me?”

Seriously?!?! I don’t even know how to interpret this. I mean I am not mad at him but I just freaking handed him 25% of $100. Isn’t there some kind of pandering code? Don’t they have to give it back if you ask?

And this is why (among other things that will be brought up later in this blog) that I am going to hell.