Reverb10: Beautifully Different

**Update from Drag Queen Bingo last night**
Last night was far tamer than I was expecting but still a lot of fun. I won!!! Someone got bingo before me in the second round but Miss Anastasia Beaverhausen, the resident drag queen and number caller, said she would do a second place winner if they could correctly answer one of her Drag Trivia Questions. The question was, "In what year did Prince Charles marry Diana Spencer? The hit single of that year was Olivia Newton John's, "Let's Get Physical"." After performing some quick calculations I shot my hand in the air and got it right. Does anyone else know what year it was? So yeah, I went up on stage, feeling totally embarrassed and I got to pick out a prize after Anastasia sized me up and I laughed nervously with my hands in my pockets. Not my smoothest moment.

As for today's prompt, they sure aren't pulling any introspective punches. I'm just gonna copy and paste today's:"Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)". It's these sorts of prompts that stump me. I'll give it a go though.

I think perhaps what makes me different, maybe not from my friends but at least from the general public, is my attitude of everything is fair game when it comes to humor. Nothing is off limits when it comes to jokes between friends. During the summer after college when T-Welsh was living in the 438, she said, "inappropriate" more often than any other word. It's just what I do. While some may see my jokes as being grossly insensitive, I actually think they reflect a deep sensitivity. Making fun of things is a way for me to circumvent actually contemplating how horrible things can be. If I make a joke about DADT, I was gonna dress up in fatigues this year for Halloween and grope other men, then I don't have to consider the incredible hypocrisy and injustice inherent in living in a country that doesn't even value you enough to let you die for it. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy so either I have to make light of everything or I have to sink into depression because when you really think about it, there is a lot in this world to feel sad about.

This prompt reminds me of a night back in freshman year at Madison. I was reading for class and there was this photo in one of the chapters. Even now looking at it makes me really upset as I'm sure it makes many of you. It is because of the realities of life and the world that I respond with inappropriateness. It's my version of the church giggles.

I don't know if being ridiculously inappropriate makes me beautiful, but I do think my capacity for empathy and sensitivity does.

Reverb10: Community

Well I missed yesterday's prompt but I haven't made anything in the last year since I'm not very craftsy. Today's is about communities, one's that I have found and which ones would I like to discover/join. This is a prompt that I can relate to.

The community I have found this year is a great one. Nerds. As many of my close college friends can attest to, I'm a huge nerd. If given the chance I would talk about science/psychology for days on end. While most people's eyes glaze at the first mention of the pros and cons of typical versus atypical antipsychotics, my community here at Vanderbilt is all about that shit. When Gina came to visit, we went over to a friend of mine's place for dinner. As we enjoyed our pizza, the topic turned to the use of imaging tools in research and the methodological concerns inherent in using such a technique. Clearly this devolved into a nerd chat of epic proportions. Gina handled it with kindness and understanding when she didn't immediately leave for cooler pastures. I'm incredibly lucky to have the chance to be surrounded by people who get as excited about their research as I do about mine. It seems almost criminal that I get paid to research/study that which I find most interesting.

On to the community I would like to discover. I would like to become more involved in the LGBT community here in Nashville. It's somewhat sad that I don't even really know what the community is like because I have yet to make a concerted effort to explore it. It's so easy to let everything else in life fill up your time which makes it easy to write off putting in the effort in getting out there. There is even a group here on campus for professional and graduate students and I have yet to go to one event. Therefore one goal for 2011 will be to explore that community and see if it has anything to offer me and vice versa. I am dipping my toe into that pool tonight though; I'm going to Drag Queen Bingo. Now that's a community event I can get behind.

Reverb10: Let Go

So I figured I would try to do as many prompts from this Reverb thing that I can. I tried yesterday but I couldn't think of anytime this past year I cultivated wonder in my life. Introspection doesn't work that way for me. Today's prompt: what (or who) have I let go of this past year?

It isn't complete but I think I'm starting to let go of needing to compare myself constantly to other people. Either in school or out and about, I usually find myself comparing who I am to who I perceive other people are. In my program, there is no explicit ranking of the grad students but within my first semester, I took care of that on my own. I am constantly updating and shifting the positions of my peers on my so called productivity list. Why do I feel the need to do this? In a way it seems to keep me productive because I don't want my position to slide to far down the ladder. Don't worry this isn't an ego boost either, I'm not even at the top of my own ranking list.

When it comes to other areas of life, I'm always acutely aware of what everyone else is doing around me. I'm critiquing other people's outfits, the way they talk, what they are doing, and just generally how they present themselves. I like to think this is just a love of people watching but truly, it's a double edged sword. Just as I'm judging the guy with the neon green windbreaker I'm thinking, "shit, I hope my jacket is fitted correctly" or "how's my posture and gait?". See when you are constantly watching other people, you yourself feel constantly watched. It seems logical to think, if I'm judging everyone else, aren't they all judging me?

Therefore in these past few months I've tried to stop judging. Trying to go cold turkey is too difficult but I'm easing off bit by bit. By doing this I've found I'm not as anxious in public as I used to be. The spotlight on my every move isn't as bright as it used to be. Sure I still get those moments where it seems like everyone in Starbucks is watching me mix my drink and thinking, "Ooh Sweet and Low? He must not know about the rats getting brain cancer." So at the back end of 2010, I've let go of comparisons and tried to learn to be ok with who and what I am. That's some deep shit.

I

I is for Inebriated.

This past weekend I went down to New Orleans to visit a friend that is doing a month long internship down there. My friend Nick and I made the 8+ hour drive down to NOLA, which stands for New Orleans, LA, (this blew my mind by the way), on Friday afternoon and arrived around 8. The drive down was fun, I made an epic playlist and we chatted the entire time. I won't go into too much detail about the trip but I will say that New Orleans is a beautiful city unlike anywhere else I have been to. It has such a rich culture and unique feel. Some of the houses down there had me dumbstruck by their magnificence. Beautiful front porches, vibrant colors, Shotgun houses, all of them so different from what anything I have seen prior. I got to try the traditional creole dishes, crawfish etouffee, jumbalaya, and gumbo. Each one more flavorful than the last. I also had more than my fair share of their famous drink, the Hurricane. The French Quarter was equal parts tacky and awesome. I felt like I was in Moulin Rouge. Although that may have been due in part to the fact that I was three sheets to the wind within in 30 minutes of getting there.

Prior to moving to Nashville and actually meeting people who had been to New Orleans, I had never entertained the idea of visiting. To me, New Orleans meant Mardi Gras and while I enjoy a party, that just seems too hardcore for me. It just goes to show that moving to Nashville has opened me up to opportunities I might not have had otherwise. I may not love Nashville all the time, and the greater South even less, but this move has been a definite net positive.

H

H is for Hearts of Palm.

So hearts of palm, has anyone eaten them? I had them for the first time last night and they were freaking delicious. I went over to a friend's house last night for dinner since she had gotten back into town after visiting her friends and was feeling a little friend-sick. I told we should have a low-key night to stave off any sad feelings of leaving her best friends. She is vegan so she said that she would make a big salad for dinner. While I knew the company would be great, a salad? Come on?!?

Well the salad was delicious and really filling. Turns out that putting a lot of different things into a salad that are healthy doesn't preclude tastiness. Let's see, the salad had avocado, tomato, green pepper, chickpeas, hearts of palm, and this tofu thing called Tempe. She also made a simple vinaigrette that consisted of balsamic vinegar, olive oil, dijon mustard, salt and pepper.

This whole post must read like I have never experienced vegetables but I kinda haven't. To me, vegetables are something you kind of have to put up with. I never really considered the possibility that they could genuinely be tasty. Whenever I heard people say they loved vegetables I thought they were just putting on airs. Like someone who says they are a morning person. After that salad, which I recreated tonight, I may consider myself one of the converted. We shall see.

G

G is for Gadgets.

I recently got a new phone, an Evo 4G, and I've become kind of obsessed. The people in my lab could vouch to how much time I spend playing around with it when I should be doing work. Ever since I was a little kid I've always wanted the newest and coolest toy, much to the detriment of my dad's wallet. This is gonna make me sound like a terrible person but one of my clearest memories of childhood is throwing a tantrum in a Toys R Us because my dad wouldn't budge on getting me an action figure. At the time it felt like my life would end if he didn't get me that toy.

Now looking back I'm glad my dad wasn't the type to just given in to his bratty son (in my defense that was a rare occurencec and you should have seen my older brother as a kid). While I still have my Veruca Salt moments, I learned that sometimes you don't get what you want. It's ok though, I don't think anyone's died from it yet.

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F

Is for F****t.

As with other words of it's ilk, this F-word is rife with controversy. I'm not going to write it because it is offensive to some and I don't see the need to repeatedly type it. Admittedly, my feelings towards it are somewhat ambivalent. When I first came out, I was vehemently opposed to it. I thought that it was a terrible word that had no place in intelligent conversation. Luckily I've only been called it, in malice, once by a homeless man. Due to his situation in life, I didn't really care all that much. I think not having a place to live trumps being called a nasty word.

Lately I have been finding the humor in this word. There is something deliciously naughty about using it among select company. A few weeks ago I called my brother and when he answered I said, "Hey f****t." He feigned insult and I found it to be hilarious. I know there are arguments for and against 'taking back' a word but the people who are argue it are usually insufferable. Without sounding insufferable myself, how do you argue free speech?

As I think about it, my newfound use of this word is related to the self-confidence I have developed in who I am. I've reached a point in my life where my sexual orientation is something so uninteresting that, to me, that word doesn't really have much of an effect. I know other people are offended by and offend with it but I don't think I really care. Granted I haven't been called a f****t recently by anyone who hated gay people but unless there was a fist following its utterance I'm fairly certain I would just let it roll off me. Their bigotry and ignorance is their own thing. They can live their life in some closeted turmoil (which is more than likely the case with though homophobes). I'm perfectly content with my interest in other dudes. If other people have a problem with it, they should stop being such f****ts.

E

E is for Energy

This is gonna be a relatively short post because I really want to get to F. Rather than some long introspective post I kinda want to ask a question that probably doesn't have an answer. Why is it that you can feel totally wiped out and then a song comes on that refills your battery stores? It's fairly well known that I dig dance/electronic music. My roommates used to marvel and make fun of how I would do homework to the likes of Madonna, the Scissor Sisters and assorted remixes. Rather than distract me, the heavy up tempo beat kept me from falling asleep and drooling on my book. Full disclosure, I'm listening to Kylie Minogue's newest album as I type this.

To me, music must perform a function. If I feel like bouncing around having a good time, I listen to the artists listed above. If I'm feeling down and sorry for myself, it's Bright Eyes, The XX, and Elliot Smith. When I'm feeling at peace with life and the world there is only one band that works: Deathcab for Cutie. I find it hard to understand people who only subscribe to one genre of music. Are they really that flat? Within a single day I can find reasons to crisscross genres repeatedly. You should all go check out this website Stereo Mood, it creates playlists based on your mood. Pretty darn nifty.

Shit, what am I gonna use for M now?

D

D is for Despicable.

Last night I saw Despicable Me with a friend of mine. It was pretty cute and there were some hilarious scenes. While standing in line waiting to buy my ticket, there were a couple of teenagers who were turned away because they weren't old enough to see Predators without a legal guardian. As I watched them, I was hit with a strong feeling of being present. All at once I was aware that I was 24 years old, living in Nashville, going to graduate school with the intent of becoming a psychologist. Not to sound hyperbolic but it felt as if I was waking up from a coma. I imagine it was a variation to what people describe when they are middle-aged and suddenly questioning where the past 20+ years went.

To be fair, I think this realization was slowly building over the week. I don't know if it is a result of blogging more than usual (re: blogging at all) or becoming reinvigorated with my love of research but I have been feeling calmer and more aware than I have in a long time. Life has a way of dulling our senses. As days go by you start to run on cruise control. It isn't automatically a bad thing, rather a simple fact of life that we put on the blinders to our surroundings.

Let's be honest, if memoirists actually chronicled their day to day lives, their works would be as boring as paint drying. The success of this genre is due to their ability to distill those moments that shock us out of cruise control into hilarious and poignant short stories or novels. Maybe my return to blogging is helping me become more conscious of when these "shock" moments happen.

C

C is for Cardio.

So yesterday I tried to blog from my new phone (Evo 4G) but I wasn't able to type in the dialog box after putting in the title. Chalk that up as a 'pro' for the iPhone. Also, I couldn't figure out how to delete the post so my newest post was an ominous 'C'.

I went to the gym for the first time in over a month yesterday and my body was initiating a revolt against exercise within 10 minutes. I hate the first few weeks of starting to work out again. It never is easy and you look like you are about to die while running or ellipticalling(totes a word).

Also, it should be known that I'm a sweater. This poses an issue here in good ole muggy Nashville. I walk outside for more than 5 minutes and I start feeling flop sweat dripping down my neck. So you can imagine the drenching I receive when I get my blood really pumping.

This is all meant to get to the point that beginning a workout regimen sucks. Yay healthy lifestyle.

B

Is for Buffeted.

Last night before I went to bed I thought I would be able to knock out a couple of posts during the day or at least mentally prepare them. My agenda for work consisted of running analyses on some fMRI data for a conference she is attending. Well that wasn't exactly in the cards.

What was supposed to be a relaxing day in front of the computer turned into a mad dash to keep one of our large studies from being shut down by the review board, babysitting a high schooler who is working in our lab, and a few other odd tasks around the office. I'm not the best at handling stress when I'm around other people. I get short with them if I feel they aren't performing to a level I expect from them. The thing is, when stressed out, I expect people to immediately fix whatever is wrong. Hence my getting irritated with anyone I come into contact with. Because of all this, I prefer to excuse myself and deal with whatever it is that needs to get done. Unfortunately today I was required to work with and around other people while as my stress level spiked.

As most people who know me well can attest to, I can't hide my emotions to save my life. My dad can tell within seconds during a phone call if I'm down or particularly excited about something. I'm an open book for better or worse.

After the fires were put out, I went with one of the Seniors in the lab to get a soda and I told her all about my stress response and how I tried to keep it inside so as to not blow up at anyone today. I was feeling pretty good since I felt I had actually handled today better than I normally would. To confirm my internal observations of budding maturity I asked her if she thought I was at all short today. She responded, "Oh don't worry Joel. You weren't like a total asshole or anything."

Awesome. Baby steps, I guess.

A

Is for Appetite.

It has been quite a long time since I have posted on my blog. After some highly aggressive campaigning by G, I decided to cave in and try this July Blogging challenge. I make no guarantees that I will complete it but I will give it a good effort. Maybe it was the nostalgia brought up by reading G's first two posts of the challenge or Kylie's new CD, Aphrodite, but I'm feeling the itch to write and attempt to be clever. Be warned, I'm shooting from the hip with this first post so if it meanders and has no point, get over it.

A is for appetite. When I look back on my 24 years of life I see great times with family, friends and all that good stuff. I also see epic moments of my insatiable appetites. Junior year when I finally got my license and a car, my HS made the school a closed campus. Rather than being able to leave for lunch to a fastfood joint, we had to eat in the cafeteria. I got around that injustice by eating lunch in the cafeteria and then, two periods later, going with friends to on of the many burrito shops around my neighborhood. Fast forward to when I was living in Minneapolis last year, I was placed on Domino's MVP list for carrying them through the Great Recession. I'm still waiting for their call to be the Domino's spokesperson. To sum it up, I have been and always will be a fat kid on the inside (and at times a somewhat round kid on the outside). Unless you have been in this position, you really can't understand what it's like to have that appetite inside you. It can seem at times that there is another person inside me who is never satiated. Call It the Id, call It whatever you want. It's there and It wants a late night snack.

How was that for a my first encyclopedia entry?