Reverb10: Let Go

So I figured I would try to do as many prompts from this Reverb thing that I can. I tried yesterday but I couldn't think of anytime this past year I cultivated wonder in my life. Introspection doesn't work that way for me. Today's prompt: what (or who) have I let go of this past year?

It isn't complete but I think I'm starting to let go of needing to compare myself constantly to other people. Either in school or out and about, I usually find myself comparing who I am to who I perceive other people are. In my program, there is no explicit ranking of the grad students but within my first semester, I took care of that on my own. I am constantly updating and shifting the positions of my peers on my so called productivity list. Why do I feel the need to do this? In a way it seems to keep me productive because I don't want my position to slide to far down the ladder. Don't worry this isn't an ego boost either, I'm not even at the top of my own ranking list.

When it comes to other areas of life, I'm always acutely aware of what everyone else is doing around me. I'm critiquing other people's outfits, the way they talk, what they are doing, and just generally how they present themselves. I like to think this is just a love of people watching but truly, it's a double edged sword. Just as I'm judging the guy with the neon green windbreaker I'm thinking, "shit, I hope my jacket is fitted correctly" or "how's my posture and gait?". See when you are constantly watching other people, you yourself feel constantly watched. It seems logical to think, if I'm judging everyone else, aren't they all judging me?

Therefore in these past few months I've tried to stop judging. Trying to go cold turkey is too difficult but I'm easing off bit by bit. By doing this I've found I'm not as anxious in public as I used to be. The spotlight on my every move isn't as bright as it used to be. Sure I still get those moments where it seems like everyone in Starbucks is watching me mix my drink and thinking, "Ooh Sweet and Low? He must not know about the rats getting brain cancer." So at the back end of 2010, I've let go of comparisons and tried to learn to be ok with who and what I am. That's some deep shit.