Too Square To Be Hip

Reverb10: Beautifully Different

2010-12-08T08:56:00.000-08:00

**Update from Drag Queen Bingo last night**
Last night was far tamer than I was expecting but still a lot of fun. I won!!! Someone got bingo before me in the second round but Miss Anastasia Beaverhausen, the resident drag queen and number caller, said she would do a second place winner if they could correctly answer one of her Drag Trivia Questions. The question was, "In what year did Prince Charles marry Diana Spencer? The hit single of that year was Olivia Newton John's, "Let's Get Physical"." After performing some quick calculations I shot my hand in the air and got it right. Does anyone else know what year it was? So yeah, I went up on stage, feeling totally embarrassed and I got to pick out a prize after Anastasia sized me up and I laughed nervously with my hands in my pockets. Not my smoothest moment.

As for today's prompt, they sure aren't pulling any introspective punches. I'm just gonna copy and paste today's:"Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)". It's these sorts of prompts that stump me. I'll give it a go though.

I think perhaps what makes me different, maybe not from my friends but at least from the general public, is my attitude of everything is fair game when it comes to humor. Nothing is off limits when it comes to jokes between friends. During the summer after college when T-Welsh was living in the 438, she said, "inappropriate" more often than any other word. It's just what I do. While some may see my jokes as being grossly insensitive, I actually think they reflect a deep sensitivity. Making fun of things is a way for me to circumvent actually contemplating how horrible things can be. If I make a joke about DADT, I was gonna dress up in fatigues this year for Halloween and grope other men, then I don't have to consider the incredible hypocrisy and injustice inherent in living in a country that doesn't even value you enough to let you die for it. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy so either I have to make light of everything or I have to sink into depression because when you really think about it, there is a lot in this world to feel sad about.

This prompt reminds me of a night back in freshman year at Madison. I was reading for class and there was this photo in one of the chapters. Even now looking at it makes me really upset as I'm sure it makes many of you. It is because of the realities of life and the world that I respond with inappropriateness. It's my version of the church giggles.

I don't know if being ridiculously inappropriate makes me beautiful, but I do think my capacity for empathy and sensitivity does.

Reverb10: Community

2010-12-07T08:11:00.000-08:00

Well I missed yesterday's prompt but I haven't made anything in the last year since I'm not very craftsy. Today's is about communities, one's that I have found and which ones would I like to discover/join. This is a prompt that I can relate to.

The community I have found this year is a great one. Nerds. As many of my close college friends can attest to, I'm a huge nerd. If given the chance I would talk about science/psychology for days on end. While most people's eyes glaze at the first mention of the pros and cons of typical versus atypical antipsychotics, my community here at Vanderbilt is all about that shit. When Gina came to visit, we went over to a friend of mine's place for dinner. As we enjoyed our pizza, the topic turned to the use of imaging tools in research and the methodological concerns inherent in using such a technique. Clearly this devolved into a nerd chat of epic proportions. Gina handled it with kindness and understanding when she didn't immediately leave for cooler pastures. I'm incredibly lucky to have the chance to be surrounded by people who get as excited about their research as I do about mine. It seems almost criminal that I get paid to research/study that which I find most interesting.

On to the community I would like to discover. I would like to become more involved in the LGBT community here in Nashville. It's somewhat sad that I don't even really know what the community is like because I have yet to make a concerted effort to explore it. It's so easy to let everything else in life fill up your time which makes it easy to write off putting in the effort in getting out there. There is even a group here on campus for professional and graduate students and I have yet to go to one event. Therefore one goal for 2011 will be to explore that community and see if it has anything to offer me and vice versa. I am dipping my toe into that pool tonight though; I'm going to Drag Queen Bingo. Now that's a community event I can get behind.

Reverb10: Let Go

2010-12-05T09:39:00.001-08:00

So I figured I would try to do as many prompts from this Reverb thing that I can. I tried yesterday but I couldn't think of anytime this past year I cultivated wonder in my life. Introspection doesn't work that way for me. Today's prompt: what (or who) have I let go of this past year?

It isn't complete but I think I'm starting to let go of needing to compare myself constantly to other people. Either in school or out and about, I usually find myself comparing who I am to who I perceive other people are. In my program, there is no explicit ranking of the grad students but within my first semester, I took care of that on my own. I am constantly updating and shifting the positions of my peers on my so called productivity list. Why do I feel the need to do this? In a way it seems to keep me productive because I don't want my position to slide to far down the ladder. Don't worry this isn't an ego boost either, I'm not even at the top of my own ranking list.

When it comes to other areas of life, I'm always acutely aware of what everyone else is doing around me. I'm critiquing other people's outfits, the way they talk, what they are doing, and just generally how they present themselves. I like to think this is just a love of people watching but truly, it's a double edged sword. Just as I'm judging the guy with the neon green windbreaker I'm thinking, "shit, I hope my jacket is fitted correctly" or "how's my posture and gait?". See when you are constantly watching other people, you yourself feel constantly watched. It seems logical to think, if I'm judging everyone else, aren't they all judging me?

Therefore in these past few months I've tried to stop judging. Trying to go cold turkey is too difficult but I'm easing off bit by bit. By doing this I've found I'm not as anxious in public as I used to be. The spotlight on my every move isn't as bright as it used to be. Sure I still get those moments where it seems like everyone in Starbucks is watching me mix my drink and thinking, "Ooh Sweet and Low? He must not know about the rats getting brain cancer." So at the back end of 2010, I've let go of comparisons and tried to learn to be ok with who and what I am. That's some deep shit.

I

2010-07-20T19:24:00.001-07:00

I is for Inebriated.

This past weekend I went down to New Orleans to visit a friend that is doing a month long internship down there. My friend Nick and I made the 8+ hour drive down to NOLA, which stands for New Orleans, LA, (this blew my mind by the way), on Friday afternoon and arrived around 8. The drive down was fun, I made an epic playlist and we chatted the entire time. I won't go into too much detail about the trip but I will say that New Orleans is a beautiful city unlike anywhere else I have been to. It has such a rich culture and unique feel. Some of the houses down there had me dumbstruck by their magnificence. Beautiful front porches, vibrant colors, Shotgun houses, all of them so different from what anything I have seen prior. I got to try the traditional creole dishes, crawfish etouffee, jumbalaya, and gumbo. Each one more flavorful than the last. I also had more than my fair share of their famous drink, the Hurricane. The French Quarter was equal parts tacky and awesome. I felt like I was in Moulin Rouge. Although that may have been due in part to the fact that I was three sheets to the wind within in 30 minutes of getting there.

Prior to moving to Nashville and actually meeting people who had been to New Orleans, I had never entertained the idea of visiting. To me, New Orleans meant Mardi Gras and while I enjoy a party, that just seems too hardcore for me. It just goes to show that moving to Nashville has opened me up to opportunities I might not have had otherwise. I may not love Nashville all the time, and the greater South even less, but this move has been a definite net positive.

H

2010-07-20T19:02:00.001-07:00

H is for Hearts of Palm.

So hearts of palm, has anyone eaten them? I had them for the first time last night and they were freaking delicious. I went over to a friend's house last night for dinner since she had gotten back into town after visiting her friends and was feeling a little friend-sick. I told we should have a low-key night to stave off any sad feelings of leaving her best friends. She is vegan so she said that she would make a big salad for dinner. While I knew the company would be great, a salad? Come on?!?

Well the salad was delicious and really filling. Turns out that putting a lot of different things into a salad that are healthy doesn't preclude tastiness. Let's see, the salad had avocado, tomato, green pepper, chickpeas, hearts of palm, and this tofu thing called Tempe. She also made a simple vinaigrette that consisted of balsamic vinegar, olive oil, dijon mustard, salt and pepper.

This whole post must read like I have never experienced vegetables but I kinda haven't. To me, vegetables are something you kind of have to put up with. I never really considered the possibility that they could genuinely be tasty. Whenever I heard people say they loved vegetables I thought they were just putting on airs. Like someone who says they are a morning person. After that salad, which I recreated tonight, I may consider myself one of the converted. We shall see.

G

2010-07-15T22:16:00.001-07:00

G is for Gadgets.

I recently got a new phone, an Evo 4G, and I've become kind of obsessed. The people in my lab could vouch to how much time I spend playing around with it when I should be doing work. Ever since I was a little kid I've always wanted the newest and coolest toy, much to the detriment of my dad's wallet. This is gonna make me sound like a terrible person but one of my clearest memories of childhood is throwing a tantrum in a Toys R Us because my dad wouldn't budge on getting me an action figure. At the time it felt like my life would end if he didn't get me that toy.

Now looking back I'm glad my dad wasn't the type to just given in to his bratty son (in my defense that was a rare occurencec and you should have seen my older brother as a kid). While I still have my Veruca Salt moments, I learned that sometimes you don't get what you want. It's ok though, I don't think anyone's died from it yet.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.7

F

2010-07-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

Is for F****t.

As with other words of it's ilk, this F-word is rife with controversy. I'm not going to write it because it is offensive to some and I don't see the need to repeatedly type it. Admittedly, my feelings towards it are somewhat ambivalent. When I first came out, I was vehemently opposed to it. I thought that it was a terrible word that had no place in intelligent conversation. Luckily I've only been called it, in malice, once by a homeless man. Due to his situation in life, I didn't really care all that much. I think not having a place to live trumps being called a nasty word.

Lately I have been finding the humor in this word. There is something deliciously naughty about using it among select company. A few weeks ago I called my brother and when he answered I said, "Hey f****t." He feigned insult and I found it to be hilarious. I know there are arguments for and against 'taking back' a word but the people who are argue it are usually insufferable. Without sounding insufferable myself, how do you argue free speech?

As I think about it, my newfound use of this word is related to the self-confidence I have developed in who I am. I've reached a point in my life where my sexual orientation is something so uninteresting that, to me, that word doesn't really have much of an effect. I know other people are offended by and offend with it but I don't think I really care. Granted I haven't been called a f****t recently by anyone who hated gay people but unless there was a fist following its utterance I'm fairly certain I would just let it roll off me. Their bigotry and ignorance is their own thing. They can live their life in some closeted turmoil (which is more than likely the case with though homophobes). I'm perfectly content with my interest in other dudes. If other people have a problem with it, they should stop being such f****ts.

E

2010-07-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

E is for Energy

This is gonna be a relatively short post because I really want to get to F. Rather than some long introspective post I kinda want to ask a question that probably doesn't have an answer. Why is it that you can feel totally wiped out and then a song comes on that refills your battery stores? It's fairly well known that I dig dance/electronic music. My roommates used to marvel and make fun of how I would do homework to the likes of Madonna, the Scissor Sisters and assorted remixes. Rather than distract me, the heavy up tempo beat kept me from falling asleep and drooling on my book. Full disclosure, I'm listening to Kylie Minogue's newest album as I type this.

To me, music must perform a function. If I feel like bouncing around having a good time, I listen to the artists listed above. If I'm feeling down and sorry for myself, it's Bright Eyes, The XX, and Elliot Smith. When I'm feeling at peace with life and the world there is only one band that works: Deathcab for Cutie. I find it hard to understand people who only subscribe to one genre of music. Are they really that flat? Within a single day I can find reasons to crisscross genres repeatedly. You should all go check out this website Stereo Mood, it creates playlists based on your mood. Pretty darn nifty.

Shit, what am I gonna use for M now?

D

2010-07-09T20:19:00.000-07:00

D is for Despicable.

Last night I saw Despicable Me with a friend of mine. It was pretty cute and there were some hilarious scenes. While standing in line waiting to buy my ticket, there were a couple of teenagers who were turned away because they weren't old enough to see Predators without a legal guardian. As I watched them, I was hit with a strong feeling of being present. All at once I was aware that I was 24 years old, living in Nashville, going to graduate school with the intent of becoming a psychologist. Not to sound hyperbolic but it felt as if I was waking up from a coma. I imagine it was a variation to what people describe when they are middle-aged and suddenly questioning where the past 20+ years went.

To be fair, I think this realization was slowly building over the week. I don't know if it is a result of blogging more than usual (re: blogging at all) or becoming reinvigorated with my love of research but I have been feeling calmer and more aware than I have in a long time. Life has a way of dulling our senses. As days go by you start to run on cruise control. It isn't automatically a bad thing, rather a simple fact of life that we put on the blinders to our surroundings.

Let's be honest, if memoirists actually chronicled their day to day lives, their works would be as boring as paint drying. The success of this genre is due to their ability to distill those moments that shock us out of cruise control into hilarious and poignant short stories or novels. Maybe my return to blogging is helping me become more conscious of when these "shock" moments happen.

C

2010-07-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

C is for Cardio.

So yesterday I tried to blog from my new phone (Evo 4G) but I wasn't able to type in the dialog box after putting in the title. Chalk that up as a 'pro' for the iPhone. Also, I couldn't figure out how to delete the post so my newest post was an ominous 'C'.

I went to the gym for the first time in over a month yesterday and my body was initiating a revolt against exercise within 10 minutes. I hate the first few weeks of starting to work out again. It never is easy and you look like you are about to die while running or ellipticalling(totes a word).

Also, it should be known that I'm a sweater. This poses an issue here in good ole muggy Nashville. I walk outside for more than 5 minutes and I start feeling flop sweat dripping down my neck. So you can imagine the drenching I receive when I get my blood really pumping.

This is all meant to get to the point that beginning a workout regimen sucks. Yay healthy lifestyle.

B

2010-07-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

Is for Buffeted.

Last night before I went to bed I thought I would be able to knock out a couple of posts during the day or at least mentally prepare them. My agenda for work consisted of running analyses on some fMRI data for a conference she is attending. Well that wasn't exactly in the cards.

What was supposed to be a relaxing day in front of the computer turned into a mad dash to keep one of our large studies from being shut down by the review board, babysitting a high schooler who is working in our lab, and a few other odd tasks around the office. I'm not the best at handling stress when I'm around other people. I get short with them if I feel they aren't performing to a level I expect from them. The thing is, when stressed out, I expect people to immediately fix whatever is wrong. Hence my getting irritated with anyone I come into contact with. Because of all this, I prefer to excuse myself and deal with whatever it is that needs to get done. Unfortunately today I was required to work with and around other people while as my stress level spiked.

As most people who know me well can attest to, I can't hide my emotions to save my life. My dad can tell within seconds during a phone call if I'm down or particularly excited about something. I'm an open book for better or worse.

After the fires were put out, I went with one of the Seniors in the lab to get a soda and I told her all about my stress response and how I tried to keep it inside so as to not blow up at anyone today. I was feeling pretty good since I felt I had actually handled today better than I normally would. To confirm my internal observations of budding maturity I asked her if she thought I was at all short today. She responded, "Oh don't worry Joel. You weren't like a total asshole or anything."

Awesome. Baby steps, I guess.

A

2010-07-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

Is for Appetite.

It has been quite a long time since I have posted on my blog. After some highly aggressive campaigning by G, I decided to cave in and try this July Blogging challenge. I make no guarantees that I will complete it but I will give it a good effort. Maybe it was the nostalgia brought up by reading G's first two posts of the challenge or Kylie's new CD, Aphrodite, but I'm feeling the itch to write and attempt to be clever. Be warned, I'm shooting from the hip with this first post so if it meanders and has no point, get over it.

A is for appetite. When I look back on my 24 years of life I see great times with family, friends and all that good stuff. I also see epic moments of my insatiable appetites. Junior year when I finally got my license and a car, my HS made the school a closed campus. Rather than being able to leave for lunch to a fastfood joint, we had to eat in the cafeteria. I got around that injustice by eating lunch in the cafeteria and then, two periods later, going with friends to on of the many burrito shops around my neighborhood. Fast forward to when I was living in Minneapolis last year, I was placed on Domino's MVP list for carrying them through the Great Recession. I'm still waiting for their call to be the Domino's spokesperson. To sum it up, I have been and always will be a fat kid on the inside (and at times a somewhat round kid on the outside). Unless you have been in this position, you really can't understand what it's like to have that appetite inside you. It can seem at times that there is another person inside me who is never satiated. Call It the Id, call It whatever you want. It's there and It wants a late night snack.

How was that for a my first encyclopedia entry?

The Ivory Tower

2009-08-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all! Well I finally got around to putting pictures up of the place where I will be working like a mad man. As you can tell I am not a professional photographer by any stretch of the imagination.

This is where my department is. Pretty huh?

This is their version of Library Mall.

Typical pathway on campus. Huge magnolia trees all over. Someone told me that they have one of each tree found in Tennessee.

I can see this clock tower from my office window. Yeah that's right office.

This is their school of engineering. Very imposing.

Not gonna lie, I would prefer a Caribou.

There you have it folks, a little insight into my life here at school.

No Pictures But Funny Stories

2009-08-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

So I have totally been procrastinating on taking the pictures but it's because I have been kinda busy with school stuff. Pretty much every day I have been walking to the psych building to work on old research projects and getting started on new ones. It's great to live within walking distance of the campus but I am finding there are some major downsides as well. Well actually there is only one downside. I never thought of myself as a sweaty person, sure I would sweat when working out but who doesn't? Well I have come to find out that humidity and myself do not get along. While everyone around me looks as cool as a cucumber, I look like someone dropped me into a pool. It has gotten so bad that I have to plan around how sweaty I will get. For example, I had to go into the lab today so that I could get some work done. Also while I was there, I had to meet with the academic coordinator to go over my schedule. I knew that I would be a dripping mess once I got to the building; the walk takes about 20 minutes. I left for the lab early enough so that I could sit in my air conditioned office and dry before heading down to my meeting. This is all fine and dandy now since I have an overabundance of time but once school starts? I foresee having half my wardrobe at school for mandatory costume changes.

I have learned all sorts of things since coming to Nashville. It really is a whole other world from what I am used to. People are surprisingly polite and any women over the age of 35 calls sweetie or hun. Another thing that I have learned; Scientology isn't just for the rich and famous. One day when I was walking to school, already fairly sweaty I might add, I was stopped by three people. They were all dressed in business clothes and looked like they were on campus for a meeting. The leader of the group asked me if I knew where the Student Life Center was because they were part of an education conference that was being held there. Now I haven't been on campus long but I have started to learn my way around. I told here that I did and that I would be walking past it on my way so I told them to follow me. The woman and I made awkward conversation while the other two followed in silence. She was asking me if I was a student and what I was studying. I told her that I was actually a grad student, puffing my chest out a little, and that I was in the clinical psych program. After I had said this, the other two started talking quietly to one another while the woman seemed to intentionally ignore them. She asked, "Oh like psychiatry?" I get this a lot, the confusion of psychology and psychiatry, so I told her no actually. As we were nearing the Student Center I asked what school they were with since they were going to an education conference. The woman said oh we are with the Church of Scientology on 8th, you should stop by, bring friends if you want. I kinda tripped over myself at that point and said oh, well, here is the center have a good day. I booked it as fast as I could. I didn't even know they allowed Scientology in the South.

How Long Has It Been?

2009-08-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

The last time I even thought to write on here there was snow piled on the ground and I never thought I would be warm again. Now I am sitting in a coffee shop, in Nashville, afraid to go outside because if I do, I will be drenched in sweat within minutes. I don't know if it is because I have lived in colder climates for the past 5 years but I cannot get over how flipping hot it is outside. People walk down the street in jeans and it blows my mind, how are they not suffering from heat stroke? Supposedly it is pretty bad up in the Cities but I am gonna put my money on it being worse down here.

I moved into my apartment earlier this week and it is pretty nice. The floors squeaked a lot wherever I walked but it didn't bother me too much. Unfortunately the same can't be said for the guy who lives below me. This came to my attention last night while I was talking to my dad on the phone. When I talk on the phone I like to pace around the room rather than just sit in one place. I don't know why I do this, I just do. About midway through the conversation and mid-step, I hear a double bang which seemed to originate from below me. I stoped moving just to see if it would continue, which it didn't, so I started walking again. Then came a single bang, definitely not a coincidence. It was about 10:30 at night so I figured the person below me felt that I should be going to bed when he was. I cry bullshit.

This morning I went down to the office to report that my floor was really squeaky and that I think the guy below me was banging on the ceiling to tell me to stop moving around. The women at the office told me he had come in just earlier to report the same thing. For some reason I feel threatened by this guy. It isn't my fault that the floor is squeaking and I shouldn't be forced to only move around my apartment when it is convenient for him. Either way, they are sending some maintenance people up to my apartment today to fix all the floorboards. Hopefully they will do an adequate job the first time so that my downstairs "neighbor" won't be banging anymore.

Today I think I am going to walk around the campus and take pictures of it so that I can post them on here. I want to give y'all a better idea of what life is going to be like for me here. I won't take any pictures of my apartment just yet because I don't even have my furniture yet so it looks like a crack den.

Because Procrastination Is What I Do

2009-03-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

So right now I should be working on slides for a poster that needs to be done by Sunday. Now you may think that that leaves me plenty of time to work on it this week but I have some guests coming into town on Friday so I should really be getting this stuff done. The thing is, I just don't want to work on it. My avoidance is reaching the levels it was at when I was applying to grad school. I have checked every blog I read like 6 times, scoured HuffPo for any interesting news stories, Twittered, and now I am blogging. As a side note, a dude just walked by in jean shorts, ahhh Spring. See, this is how not into doing work right now I am. If I could just get myself to put in some effort for like 2 hours, I know that I could get some quality work done.

So as I said earlier, I recently starting Twittering and I really think that the format compliments my personality. I am a horrible story teller, either I will start a story that kind of just wanders without an end or it will be a, "you had to be there" story. Therefore, blogging isn't something that comes easy to me. I rarely reread my posts and think, "wow that post flowed so well, and it was funny!" Which brings me back to Twitter, by only being able to write short snippets I don't have to be so worried with where it is going. A quick quip is all that is required rather than a long post filled with funny anecdotes and jokes. This must say something about who I am as a person.

11:11 Make A Wish

2009-02-23T11:46:00.001-08:00

As many of you know by now, a week ago today I found out that I got into grad school. Out of 320 applicants, 3 of us were chosen. It still blows my mind that I was accepted, especially since it seemed that every other applicant was from an Ivy League. Not that Wisconsin is anything to laugh at; our clinical program was/is ranked first in the nation. Too bad that ridiculous amounts of competition and back biting came out of that rating. I think that is what drew me the most to Vanderbilt, all the faculty seemed to genuinely like one another. Rather than viewing another's achievement as a threat, the Vandy profs bragged about their fellow faculty. The financial package that comes with the admission offer isn't something to scoff at either. My schooling will be paid for in full for all five years and I will receive a stipend each year for the nine months I am in school. Dr. Park, the prof I will be working with, said she will cover the other three months with a grant she has. Oh and if that wasn't enough, there is a chance that I could do research in Zurich, Switzerland for a summer. Someone please pinch me because this has to be a dream.

Last night I was driving home from watching the Oscars at Em's house and the clock said 11:11. I am a huge geek so whenever I notice the clock is 11:11 I do the whole, "make a wish" thing. Prior to last week, the wish always was that I hoped I got into grad school. Prior to that it was I hope I do well on the GRE. I am afraid that at my weaker moments I even wished for a boyfriend. Last night though, when it was 11:11 came around, I didn't make a wish. There is nothing that I want right now that I don't already have and that is a pretty darn good feeling.

Now the only thing that is left is for the weather to turn warm here in the MPLS and rock out all summer long. I foresee another trip to Seattle, drinking around the lakes here (I wonder if they serve beer at the food stand on Lake Calhoun?), and just enjoying myself before I have to dedicate the better half of the next decade to becoming a doctor.

Domino's MVP

2009-01-31T13:01:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought I was getting the hang of making healthy life choices, my dark past has come back to rear its ugly head. Not moments ago, the buzzer to my apartment was rung. Seeing as how this building is too old to have an intercom system I had to hurry down stairs to the front door. When I got there I saw the postman putting today's mail into everyones boxes. He looked up at me and asked, "204?". I responded that I was the tenant at 204 and he hands me my mail saying, " I was able to get the netflix into your box but this wouldn't budge." I was hopeful that maybe it was an envelope from one of the seven other schools I applied to but it was not. No, instead of a letter of acceptance, it was a hard envelope addressed to Domino's Pizza MVP. I cannot tell you how much my heart sank when I read that. I got upstairs and opened it immediately. Inside the hard envelope was another envelope. The second envelope said that something this important required two envelopes. The suspense was killing me so I opened the second envelope and inside it was a letter thanking me for being such a valued customer, and for being such a loyal patron they gave me a free one topping pizza coupon. Now I am sure most of you read this and think wow that is so awesome I wish I received free Domino's coupons in the mail. Just think for the moment though on how much I probably had to spend to reach that level and how much pizza that means I have consumed. I had hoped that by trying to get back into shape I would have left that world behind but it looks like it isn't ready to give me up so easily.

Up In The Sky! It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's...

2009-01-18T23:41:00.000-08:00

When I look back on my childhood, some of my best memories are of me playing in my room. I was never much of an outdoors kid, preferring to play inside with my toys or read the newest Bailey School Kids book. Of course when I had to I would play outside with the rest of the neighborhood kids, but it was never as fun as when I was by myself. When I played in my room, I could let my imagination run wild. I remember playing with my X-Men action figures for hours creating the most convoluted stories. Sometimes my dad would join me, he always chose to be Cyclops which was totally cool with me since I never really cared for Cyclops. Looking back I know that my dad would have preferred to take me outside and have me work on my swing or catching ground balls. Rather than forcing me to do something I didn't want to do, my dad accepted me for who I was and played action figures with me. That's the thing with my dad, he has always accepted me for who I was rather than expecting me to fit a predetermined role.

I don't know when I first discovered superheroes but I am forever grateful that I did. These heroes represented everything that I wanted to be and I set out to learn as much about them as I could. I wanted to know how they became who they were so that I could hopefully join their ranks one day. The best thing about the X-Men is that they didn't become superheroes because of some gamma ray accident or being bitten by a radioactive spider. The X-Men were born with their powers. When I went to bed, rather than praying for a new bike or an A on a test, I would pray that I would develop powers. See, the X-Men didn't develop their powers until they were teenagers so from the age of 7 to probably 13 I was still holding out that I would one day be able to fly or freeze things with my touch. Unfortunately I never developed any powers and as I got older I would bring out the X-Men less and less. It seems that along with the toys, my imagination was brought out less and less as well. I used to create entire worlds within my room and these days I have difficulty visualizing an outfit I would want to wear. If your imagination needs to be worked like a muscle to be maintained, then I have let it atrophy. Maybe it is the winter but I feel like when I look around everything seems so boring and plain. What I wouldn't give to be able to look at the world like I used to. Rather than just seeing life as it is, I want to see life as it could be. I don't mean for this to sound like a loss of innocence or something but things seemed so much cooler when I was younger. Who knows maybe those powers are still in me, we Petermans are late bloomers.

Bartender, Gimme A Beer

2008-12-29T23:48:00.000-08:00

Those would have been the words I would have said if the airport bar hadn't called last call as I was walking up to the counter. One of the great things about being of age is that you can be tipsy plus on a flight if you want to. I am flying the red eye back to Minneapolis and I wanted a chemical helper in my attempt to get any sleep on this flight. The drinks at the bar for sure would have been cheaper than the five dollars I will have to pay on the flight for a little bottle that wouldn't get my little brothers buzzed. It is a matter of public safety that I get a little sleep on this flight because I am gonna be driving myself home tomorrow morning from the airport. I don't want to be cracked out on lack of sleep and taking the 35W which is best likened to a series of sharp turns coupled with potholes that could double as in ground pools.

I had a blast being home these past five days. Of course the weather was a much appreciated change from the bitter cold I am returning to. I was able to spend time with my family, go out with my brother, and see a bunch of movies. While the amount of time since I had seen my family last wasn't all that much longer than when I was in school, it was different this time. The time I have spent in Minneapolis has been so different from my time in school, I feel more cut off from my family. There is a greater sense of permanence in Minneapolis than there was in Madison. I have my own apartment, I will be registering my vehicle in the state of Minnesota, and hopefully becoming a member of the service industry soon after getting back. This is a level of reality that never existed in Madison and it is scary.

I saw some great movies over this trip. I love the fact that during my time in Minneapolis I have seen a total of one movie and during my five day stay in Vegas I saw three. On Christmas Day, my dad, Jordan, and I saw Milk. That was quite the experience to say the least. I got uncomfortable when I saw Old School with my dad and there were boobies shaken all over the place, the idea of sitting next to my dad while Sean Penn and James Franco go at it did not sit well with me. I didn't realize until now the humor in the fact that I saw a movie about a gay rights activist's life on the day Jesus was supposedly born. Something tells me the social justice Jesus would be cool with it while the born again Jesus would damn me to hell all the while secretly wishing he had seen it too. It was a pretty darn good movie, definitely one that I will need to see again to truly decide my thoughts on it. The movie I have no problems rating is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. This movie was absolutely amazing! It is crazy long (almost 3 hours) but everyone in it is phenomenal. My brother said that it cemented his rule of seeing anything with Brad Pitt in it. In my mind Brad Pitt has definitely moved from just an attractive actor to an attractive actor who has an amazing talent. Also, Cate Blanchett is both stunning and great in the film. I will definitely be buying this movie when it comes out.

I am glad that I stayed in Vegas for as long as I did because it has recharged my batteries. I am ready to get back to Minneapolis and get things in order. While it has been great to sit on my couch and lounge around, I need to get out in the city and meet people. I mean I just watched the premier of The City on MTV tonight and if Whitney Port was able to find a BFF and an aussie boyfriend who might not be ready to settle down than I should be able to do it as well. Hell I am ahead of her I got friends, although to be honest they don't seem nearly as interested in my life as Erin is of Whitney's. If these first two episodes are any indicator of the season then the producers are trying to remove all the silent staring from The Hills with methamphetamine induced speed talking. It is going to be a great season.

Humble Pie

2008-12-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

So I think that I need to eat a large piece of humble pie. I just got home from picking up the lady who is the caretaker of our building from work. On Monday she came to my door and asked me if I would be so kind as to pick her up from work on Wednesday night. She said that the person who usually picked her up was unavailable for some reason so she had to find a new ride home. I was fairly caught off guard but I agreed to pick her up because Tis The Season and it would have been a pretty asshole thing to say no to her since I didn't have anything going on anyway. I wasn't so much worried about the hassle of picking her up but more so about the potentially awkward drive home. To my pleasant surprise, the drive home was actually quite enjoyable and I think I owe her an apology.

See, when I first met Leslie, the caretaker, I immediately seized on certain characteristics and then made assumptions about who she was. She is rather small in stature and has a raspy voice which makes her somewhat difficult to understand. To be honest I wasn't all that sure what I was agreeing to on Monday until the conversation was almost over. Due to this communication issue, I made the assumption that she was a little slow if not slightly touched in the head. Well it looks like I need to reassess how I look at other people and not make judgements until I get to know them. During our drive home I found out that Leslie graduated college with a degree in early childhood education and worked as a preschool teacher for something like 35 years. In 2006 her license was revoked, all she said was that she told off her employers and was subsequently fired. Due to being at that job for so long, she said she never really learned how to use computers so she had a rude awakening when she had to apply for jobs.

Also during the drive we talked about the people who live in the building and I was even able to find out more about my building crush: First Floor Guy. Turns out he is from Germany and is only here for about a year. Any who, after riding with Leslie I learned that I could use a lesson or two about reserving judgement and not making assumptions. While rough around the edges at the beginning, Leslie is a sweet lady who proved me wrong.

Sleep is For Suckers

2008-12-08T09:19:00.000-08:00

So right now I am sitting in a coffee shop near my apartment about to work on finishing my Statements of Purpose for grad school. Over the last three days I have already written 4 and I just have two more schools. I am hoping that it won't be too hard to punch out these last two but there may be a wrench in my mental gears; I got 3 hours of sleep last night. I kid you not, I think I finally fell asleep around 6 and I got up at 9. I swear I have had the worst insomnia for the past six months. To make a long story short, I dread going to bed because when I do, I lay there thinking about all the shit I have to do and I start freaking out about things. Usually I can silence this riot inside my head by repeating my mantra of, "I may have all these things to do but I can't do anything about them now so just let it go." Unfortunately this is harder to do when all I can think about is getting into (or not getting into) grad school. The rest of my applications are due a week from today and I am so looking forward to letting go of this part of the process. Once I turn them in they will not be my problem anymore, it will be in the hands of the admissions committee. But that puts a whole other panic to trying to fall asleep. Obviously I really want to go to grad school and I think I would be majorly bummed out if I didn't get in anywhere. I am applying to 8 schools and that is seen as on the lean side among people applying to clinical psychology programs.

In other news, I finally found a cute guy in my building! I think that he lives on the first floor and he has dirty blonde hair and some good looking scruff on his face. I met him when our caretaker, Leslie, buzzed all of our doors at 9 in the morning on Saturday because we had to move our cars from the lot so that it could be plowed. I didn't have one of those snow brushes at the time so I brought down a towel to brush off enough snow so that I could drive without killing anyone. As I was cleaning my car, first floor guy asked if I wanted to borrow his brush. I said sure so I took it from him as he drove his car over to the church parking lot next to our building. I cleaned my car and drove over to the lot and parked next to him. We then walked back to our building and said goodbye to each other. So yeah, we are going to be getting married pretty soon. I will get the announcements out as soon as possible.

I am heading home on the day of Baby Jesus' birth. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing my dad and brothers. Also, the weather will be a nice respite from the frigid winter that has taken over Minneapolis. I went to this thing called Holidazzle, its a parade of floats with varying themes covered in lights, with the girls this weekend and I am pretty sure I experienced the beginning stages of hypothermia. At one point I went inside the building we were standing next to so that I could warm up and I took my shoes off so that my feet could warm quicker. My shoes felt like mini ice-boats on my feet. I don't know what compels Minnesotans to hold a parade in the middle of December, Scandinavian resolve?, pride?, but only here would an outdoor parade be attended by so many people. Oh and my favorite float was the one with a circus theme and there were little children dressed and acting like animals. So adorable!

I am pretty sure I would give a non-vital organ to be this tan again:

It may not look like much by that is pretty dark for me and I can just feel the color slipping away from my body. I am not a pretty pale either.

Oh I totally forgot! I was talking to my dad yesterday and he told me a story that made me super happy. He was outside playing catch with my little brother Kevin and a plane happened to fly over them. Kevin looked up at it and said, "You know, if Joel was on that plane then that would mean he would be home and that would make me happy." Isn't that the sweetest thing you have ever heard? I love kids, whatever pops into their head they say. There is no self-sensor with children which is practically unheard of in adults.

Bandwagon And Boredom

2008-11-09T22:47:00.000-08:00

So last night I finally was able to experience what the nightlife is like in my neighborhood. I have to say that it was a pretty good time. Of course the 3 liters of beer I drank probably didn't hurt either. At one point Gina and I were left alone when the others went to get another round of drinks and we got to talking about a recent post she had done on her blog. The post consisted of a survey that asked questions and your response can only be one word. I thought that that sounded like a cool idea so I decided that I would do it myself since I am sitting around doing nothing.

One Word Survey

Where is your mobile phone? Table
Where is your significant other? Who?
Your hair colour? Boring
Your mother? Effervescent
Your father? Constant
Your friends? Irreplaceable
Your favourite thing? Family
Your dream last night? Forgotten
Your ultimate goal? Calm
Your fear? Cynicism
The room you're in? Unfinished
What is overrated? Morning
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Growing
Where were you last night? Boozing
What you're not? Mellow
One of your wish-list items? Employment
Where you grew up? Home
The last thing you did? Read
What are you wearing? Guns
Your TV? Unplugged
Your pets? Furry
Your computer? Apple
Your mood? Pensive
Missing someone? Constantly
Favourite word? Apropos
Something you're not wearing? Underwear
Favourite shop? B&N
Your summer? Unappreciated
Love someone? Hopefully
Your favourite colour? Blue
When is the last time you laughed? Friends
When is the last time you cried? Reading

Political Mastermind

2008-11-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

I would like to draw everyone's attention to this recent post on Perez Hilton. Needless to say my political prowess would be a crucial addition to the Obama administration. Honestly I would be happy in any role but after my almost prescient post two days ago on what type of dog the Obamas should get I think it is clear that choosing Rahm Emanuel as Chief of Staff was a little too hasty. That phone call should be coming any time now.

Solid, Solid As Barack! That Is What We G-G-G-G-Got!

2008-11-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

A friend recently demanded that I update my blog. I told her that I don't want to update it just for the sake of adding a post. If I don't have anything going on in my life that I feel is worthy of being broadcasted on the internet, I leave this blog alone. Lucky for me and my friend, something has happened in my life that warrants a post. We are gonna have a puppy in the White House!!! God I am so excited. I wonder what kind of dog they are gonna bring? Maybe a designer dog, but that might be seen as a garish display of wealth during these troubling economic times. A mutt bought from the pound might be a nice touch, nothing too flashy, but fleas and kennel cough is always a worry. Also, it isn't very presidential to have a three-legged pooch hobbling around the West Wing. Either way, this is just another tough decision President-Elect Obama will have to make as Commander-in-Chief.

It is such an unbelievable feeling to have voted for someone who actually won. Four years ago I begrudgingly voted for Kerry, more so to get Bush out of office than to put Kerry in office. This time around it was like a dream come true. Not only was Bush leaving but I could vote for a candidate that filled me with hope and excitement. Because it seemed too good to be true, I was just waiting for something to happen that would screw up Obama's chances. As the days passed and we got nearer to election day I became more and more paranoid that the Repubs had some dastardly deeds up their sleeves to negate Obama's lead. Now on the other side of Nov. 4th I can breathe easier because my man is in office. Finally we can move forward to a future where our children will look back and be jealous that we were 20-somethings around the turn of the century just like we are jealous of our parents living through the 60's. Yes We Did!

Tater-Tot Hot Dish Lovin'

2008-10-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

So right now I am sitting in a Caribou coffee shop down the street from Gina's house. I have finally made the big move back to the Midwest and it has been a whirlwind on a week. First, Gina flew to Vegas so that she could make the theoretical 26 hour drive (it turned out to be 30+ hours) from Sin City to the land of lakes and ya betcha's. I won't go into all that happened on that magical two day drive through our nation's heartland but needless to say that our friendship is stronger than ever. My dad said to me that he was genuinely surprised that we were still able to stand each other after that drive. I am not sure if that is an indictment on me or what but I think I was an absolute pleasure of a road-trip buddy.

Within the first five hours of our drive I received a phone call informing me that the apartment that I thought I had saved until my arrival was leased out from under me. So that was super awesome driving to a city in which I would be homeless if it were not for the infinite hospitality of Minnesota Niceness. Gina's family has taken me in this past week and I have been able to experience the raucous family I never had. I love that there is something always going on in that house. When I was growing up I just remember a lot of quiet except for when my brother was fighting with our parents. You would have thought we were blue-blooded WASPS who did not speak above a snooty whisper. Luckily I was able to procure a place within the first week of being here. I went to one of those apartment search places and the most energized woman I have ever met made me four viewing appointments in less than 20 minutes. She was talking so fast that I couldn't follow a single thing she was saying. It didn't really matter though because the second meeting I had turned out to be the apartment I will be moving into this Friday. I will be living in the trendy area of Minneapolis known as Uptown. It kinda has the same vibe as Lakeview in Chicago.

I just realized that I never posted about actually taking the GRE. It went pretty well and I am happy with my score. I got a 1360 which I think should be good enough for the schools that I plan on applying to. Thank god I won't have to take that test ever again. It was 3.5 hours of mental alertness. Also, I can't really describe the feeling of being able to view your score right after the test but it could be most likened to what I would imagine it would feel like to have your stomach fall out of your butt. Of course I celebrated that night by having a few drinks. Unfortunately I literally mean a few drinks because my tolerance is now abysmal due to not drinking during the month prior to the test. After three beers I was texting up a storm and telling my brother's BFF things that you don't tell someone who you have only seen a handful of times (i.e. my first time with another guy).

I will be heading to Madison in about a week and I cannot wait to reunite with friends and my own personal Garden of Eden, Amy's Cafe. If you want to know where I am a week from this Friday, just look in the back area of Amy's. Most likely I will be nuzzling the strongest F-ing Vod-Ton I've ever had.

I'm Taking the GRE Day After Tomorrow, But Instead...

2008-09-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

So I am taking the GRE the day after tomorrow and I should be going over math problems and looking up what the word pusillanimous means (it means cowardly or weak, guess how I remember it) but instead I felt that I should write about something that has happened to me while I have been living at home. I am not sure how I feel about it because it is something that I never thought would happen. Over the past several weeks I have slowly developed not only a forced interest in baseball, but I actually will turn it on when no one else is home. Trust me when I say that I am surprised as anyone by this development.

By default, as well as the threat of bodily harm from Jordan, I am a supporter and fan of the Chicago Cubs. I am completely fine with this because after being to Chicago a few times during Cubs games I can honestly say that Cubs fans are some of the nicest, most gracious people you will ever meet. The same cannot be said for White Sox fans who are assholes. As some of you may know, the Cubs are officially in the postseason playoffs. Right now who they will be playing comes down to either the Brewers or the Mets. I am not sure who would increase their chances of winning because as I am told, by my little brothers, both teams have the worst bullpens in the League. I guess if I could choose I would say the Brewers because I would love to read everyone's status updates on Facebook cursing the Cubs.

There is one more reason why I am a fan of and have developed an interest in the Cubs. Ryan Theriot, a.k.a The Riot. Theriot plays shortstop and has recently been hitting above 300. Now this is his second year on the team and he has proven himself to not only be a great player, but a fan favorite. Thats all well and good but my fascination with him has nothing to do with his batting record. I think he is way cute. Look at that face how can you not love him? It's that mug that helps me make it through 3+ hours of Cubs games with my family.

I Don't Normally Do This But...

2008-09-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I don't particularly consider myself to be politically minded. I do consider myself to be liberal both fiscally and socially and I think that after attending UW-Madison it is pretty obvious that I plan on voting for Obama on November 4th. Until this summer I would very rarely think about politics for fear that my rising anger would cause me to mutate into a green behemoth and lay waste to all that was around me. The thing is, whenever I think about politics I become extremely pissed. When I dwell on the fact that an entire party (and yes I will place all self-identified Republicans in one group) bases one of its planks on denying the rights of others because they believe that group to be morally inferior, I think it is understandable that my blood boils. Now I know when it comes to gay rights, the Democrats, as a whole, are not that much better, but I feel that they are more likely to shake my hand with one hand while not stabbing me in the back with the other.

I don't claim to be highly knowledgeable on the present political climate but over the past few months I have been trying to become informed. Prior to this road to discovery I assumed that when you boil everything down both of the parties are fairly similar. In today's election the outcome is determined by the undecideds. What this means to me is that each candidate must be as moderate as their parties' diehards will allow. Which is why I find it laughable that McCain claims to be a maverick. I won't argue that in the past he hasn't at times fought against his own party to get things he believes should be done done. But to become his party's nominee he has inherently agreed to carry their standard to the epic battle on November 4th. I won't be so presumptuous as to think the Republican party was tricked into choosing a nominee who would daring enough to go against their interests.

With Obama, I truly do have hope that he will change this country for the better. I do think that regardless of his international experience, the sole fact that we will have a Democrat in office will help America's cred with the rest of the world. One of the attacks that has been used against Obama is that he is out of touch with regular Americans because he is elitist and an intellectual. First of all, McCain is married to a former pill popper who is heir to a beer fortune; that seems to be more elitist than Obama and Michelle who met in law school. Second of all since when is ignorance and stupidity qualities we want in our leader? I want the person who holds the highest office in the world to think once in awhile.

It has taken me a very long time to reach a point where I would risk writing a political post on my blog. As with starting this blog, I am highly self-conscious when it comes to what I write. When I first started this blog, I thought to myself that to have a blog means that you must think you are interesting enough to have people read what you say. Once I overcame that I decided that I would keep this space light-hearted and not delve into anything of substance. Times have changed though and regardless of what people will think about what I have just written, I belive that it was time for me to have my say. Have at it.

INTRANSIGENT : FLEXIBILITY :: SHOOT : ME

2008-09-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

So I have been studying for the past few weeks for the GRE which I am taking a week from Friday. What I have learned so far from this whole thing is that I will never understand math intuitively. Give me a passage describing the migration pattern of birds and I will comprehend the shit out of it. But if you give me a circle inscribed inside of a square or a percentage problem and I shut down in seconds. Pretty much I have been doing math problems every day until my mind feels fuzzy and then I allow myself to decompress the rest of the day. I have taken a couple of practice tests and I guess I am happy with my score but who knows if it will be good enough for the schools I will be applying to. Whenever I talk to people on the phone and they ask me what I am up to I tell them nothing really except for studying for the GRE. It may be sad but all I really do each day is study and then hang out. I have been looking for apartments in Minneapolis in preparation of moving there at the beginning of October.

I felt that I should update this blog but I don't really have much to tell. Mostly I am just uber excited to move to Minneapolis in less than a month. Granted I don't have a job yet or a place to live but I am sure finding a place won't be too hard at all and hopefully a job will come next. my plan is to apply to various mental health institutions such as group homes or day centers. The group homes should be easier to get a job at but I think that working at a day center would be a great experience because in a way it would be like unofficial therapy. Either one would be great experience. Also I have decided that I am gonna volunteer at whatever GLBT Center they have in Minneapolis. Lucky enough for me I have straight friends already in Minneapolis but I would really like to make friends who are of the same orientation as myself. Besides I need to have at least a couple dates while I am there right?

Reindeer Games

2008-08-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

Since I returned from Seattle, I have been in a huge funk. I think part of it is due to the fact that I had to say goodbye to some really great friends. Unlike with some other friends, I don't really know the next time I will see any of them. The other part is that now that I am back in Vegas, the next part of my life needs to start. My trip to Seattle was the official end to my summer and now I need to get working on the various projects that will get me where I need to go. First things first though, I need to start studying for that freaking GRE. Unfortunately, in order to not hyperventilate when thinking about my future, I sit on the couch all day and watch T.V. so that I don't have to think. I know I sound like such a productive member of society.

In other news, I went out a couple nights ago to get drinks with my dad and some of his coworkers. Jordan met me in front of the MGM and we went inside and met my dad at this swanky lounge. Jordan and I felt like we were put at the little kids table because we were kind of off to the side of my dad and his friends. It was a pretty good time and Jordan and I talk about various things. At one point Jordan got up to go to the bathroom so I was sitting alone and listening to the conversation my dad's group was having and I swear they sounded like they were twenty. Whenever an attractive woman walked by they would comment on her or one of them would talk about how his wife was driving him crazy. At various points I was included in the conversation as well. As far as I could tell, my dad had not clued his coworkers into which team I played for, and why should he have. I felt like I was in bizarro world, or that I was behind enemy lines or something. Being part of their conversation demystified my ideas of what straight men are like. Even these men who are quite successful, talk like they are in freaking gym class. When it comes down to it I think I am happy where I am, with the girls and the gays.

Watching: Forrest Gump

I'm Half Italian, Half Jessica Simpson

2008-08-28T22:24:00.001-07:00

This past week I was lucky enough to be able to visit some friends in Seattle. Upon my arrival I was informed that Seattle is known as the Emerald City due to the amount of trees and various flora that surrounds the city. Without sounding too much like a gay cliche, by nightfall I definitely felt like I wasn't in Kansas anymore. I was staying with some friends who live on Queen Anne Hill which is right across Lake Union from Capitol Hill, the gay neighborhood. It took less than 8 hours for me to be drinking in various establishments with the typical thinly veiled names: The Cuff (my favorite), Purr, R Place Neighbors. To best explain my foray into gay Seattle I will break it down into the few encounters I had with the locals.

Anthony- about 5'3" somewhat squirrelly, and quite chatty.

"Hi, my names Anthony, what's yours?"

"Um, my names Joel, what's up?"

"Not much, just so you know I'm part Italian and part Jessica Simpson."

"What does that even mean, like are you buffalo chicken wings Jessica or Chicken of the Sea Jessica because it matters?"

"Hey I gotta go find my friends, see you later Joel."

To my surprise Anthony kept popping up when I would least expect it. At one point Kyle had to tip me off that he was nearby seeing as how I was talking about how weird he was.

Rando- I was too drunk to notice fine details like height and name

"Do you have any coke?"

"Huh?"

"Do you have any coke?"

"What about a joke?"

"COKE!"*taps his nose*

"Oh uh sorry I don't."

Jerry- 6'3" at least 250lbs, leather harness

I was with Kyle because we were about to head to the dance floor and boogie down when he ran into the guy who sold him and Josh their sweet T.V. I was standing just kinda looking around when this large bear, Jerry, came up to me and asked me what my name was. Now at this point in the night I was only able to tell him my name and then proceed to laugh and smile like an idiot. Do not be confused that I was reacting this way because I was into Jerry, I just couldn't get over how ridiculous of a situation I was in. Jerry and I talked for awhile, he told me I had cute dimples, finally Josh found me. As I was turned away from Jerry to talk to Josh, Jerry took it upon himself to give me an unsolicited back rub. Needless to say I booked it out of there as fast as possible.

There you have it. I experienced the diverse mosaic of gay life in Seattle and I was able to escape with no scars, physical or emotional, and some awesome stories. The biggest surprise of all though was the fact that I feel in love at first sight with a man wearing only a leather vest and jeans. I shit you not, I froze when I saw this man. Even better when he saw that I was staring, he smiled back at me and asked me how I was doing. Unfortunately his friends pulled him away before I could get his name.

Ahh Seattle I will be back soon!

Listening to: Mamma Mia Soundtrack

Hindsight 20/20 or 40/30?

2008-08-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

So last night I had the craziest dream. So that you don't tune out on this post I won't go into details but lets say that it involved an old friend, Mike, from high school. It wasn't so much what the dream was about but the fact that I haven't really thought about Mike all that much since freshmen year of college. Due to this dream, all day today I have been thinking about my four years in high school. While the rational part of my brain knows that high school was hardly the best time of my life, the emotional part remembers it as a series of cliched clips that could be taken out of any teen movie. Before I go further I want to address the people who thought high school was the best time of their lives; I pity them. I would hate to think that the best time of my life happened when I was so young. I am looking forward to my 20s like woah. I even think that my 30s will be something to write home about. It just seems to me that those people are selling their futures short.

Back to the main point of this post, my memories of high school don't seem to coincide with what actually happen. I met up with my best friend from high school, Elyse, tonight for coffee. She and I were having a great time reminiscing about all that we had been through together during the last two years of high school. When I really think about the past I can come up with many memories that are particularly happy but those aren't the ones that readily surface. I think that that is one of life's small blessings. When thinking about the past, it seems that the memories that resurface are predominantly the good ones.

Watching: Michael Phelps win his seventh Gold.

Peace Out Madison!

2008-08-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

So today was my last day in Madison for the foreseeable future. Yesterday was supposed to be my last day in Madison. Liz and Gina drove me to the airport and we had a tearful goodbye, promising to keep in touch and that this isn’t the last time we were seeing each other. I went inside up to the check-in counter and gave the person my I.D. He asked me if I had already checked in; I had not. Well long story short, it turns out that priceline.com, may they burn in hell, cancelled my flight due to fraud issues. The thing is I buy my flight home on my dad’s credit card and I have never had a problem before but I guess this time they finally caught me for identity fraud. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for that meddlesome Willy Shatner.

So I ended up calling the girls back and asking them if they could pick me up because as of then I wasn’t going anywhere. Things didn’t turn out as bad as they could have been. I was able to have one more night with my roommates and I was able to help them clean the apartment. We also got to watch our late summer obsession: the games of the 26^th Olympiad. Last nights 4x100 freestyle relay was the most insane thing I have ever seen. All three of us were screaming and our upstairs neighbors were pounding on the floor. I can’t even lie and say that I didn’t feel a little patriotic when Phelps and the others were on the podium while our national anthem played. I will agree with Gina though and say that Japan’s Anthem was surprisingly beautiful and majestic.

Right now I am sitting in the Cleveland Airport, nothing special, and I am thinking about all the things I have to look forward to. I am headed to Seattle in 10 days to visit some friends that moved out there earlier this summer. After that it is a short month until I take the GRE. I am definitely worried about the test but people I talk to tell me that it isn’t anything to worry about. I should be moving to Minneapolis in early October which I think will be an amazing adventure. I don’t really know what is going to come down the pipeline but as of right now I think I can handle it.

I promise to not wait another 2+ months to update this blog. Now that we are all scattered to the winds, this blog’s importance in keeping in touch with everyone has majorly increased. I hope you all do the same and update as well.

Artist: Bright Eyes

Sneaking Suspicions

2008-06-07T21:31:00.001-07:00

So I haven’t posted for quite some time. The reason for this is that on some level I knew what I would be writing about and I didn’t want to face it. For the past few weeks I have been staying up later and later, dreading the point when I attempt to fall asleep. Therefore, I end up falling asleep around 4:30-5:00 in the morning and then waking some time around noon in a major funk. Each night I tell myself that I will force myself to wake up so that I can have a full day and reset my sleep schedule but when my alarm goes off in the morning I turn it off right away. I have been in this daze for the past two weeks and I don’t know what to do about it. The problem is I have more time than things to fill that time so I end up wasting the day in bed. For some reason I am majorly scared that somehow I am going to totally mess up my entire life. I don’t have a job right now because I will only be in Madison for about two more months and luckily I am in a position where I don’t have to get a job right away. I don’t want to be one of those people who complain about how their good life made it difficult for them to handle real life because I don’t feel that way. All I have ever known and been good at was school and now I have to enter the real world and I am terrified that I am gonna screw up royally. I have a general outline about what I am going to be doing but an outline isn’t a guarantee.

This all boils down to one thing: I have no control over my life and I don’t handle lack of control well. Sometimes it is much easier to just go with the flow rather than forcing yourself to do something that may be hard but good for you. I can see it clearly in how I have been living my life since summer started. I have lost all self-control and just acted on my hedonistic impulses. Not gonna lie they may have to take away the Former from my FFK status. I go out at least three nights a week and then pillage the late night eateries on State St. Before summer started I joked to my roommates that by the end of the summer I hoped to have developed an addiction to a hard drug. The way things look right now, that isn’t so much of a joke anymore. Obviously things are not as dire as I am making them in this post but I have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills. I once thought I had frostbite on my toe when in actuality it was just a blister; WebMD is the devil. All in all I need a major change in my life right now and I think that this post is going to be my public declaration that I am gonna start tomorrow. I know it is going to be hard in the beginning but nothing good ever came easy. Ugh that is such a cliché but it’s true.

Artist: Your Vegas

Carpe M’Fing Diem!

2008-05-23T19:51:00.000-07:00

So today was one small step for man, one giant leap for JSP. Today I did something that I haven’t done since I was in the eighth grade. Today I asked a guy out (just to clarify, I asked a girl out in the eighth grade). I have been planning this since; oh I don’t know, Monday. I am not someone who you would call spontaneous. If given time to plan, I can be as impetuous as the next guy. So yeah, this was kinda a big deal for me. I definitely thought I would have been so much smoother than I actually was. I am pretty sure I sounded like I was speaking a mile a minute. Also, the phone call lasted less than like 2 minutes. I pretty much said hey how is it going, and then do you want to go to dinner on Tuesday night. He said yes which is good. Of course once I was off the phone I was over thinking what I had just done. Did he say yes because he wanted to say yes or did he say yes because he felt obligated? I don’t know, I think I am just a huge spaz.

I think that I need to focus on the fact that it is just dinner and that is all. I am gonna be leaving Madison in a little over two months. I think that is partially why I am acting so out of character. Knowing that I could go out of my comfort zone without being completely vulnerable I think allowed me to do this. Also, I am not like completely in love with the guy that I asked out. I think he is way cute and fun but we have only hung out twice. The thing is I kinda went out of order in terms of the whole going on a date and then getting to “know” each other. I can say one thing; he is a really good kisser. So we will see how things go on Tuesday. Obviously I will post about the whole thing; unless it goes horribly and I am too busy boozing away the sadness.

Watching: Brothers and Sisters

Heyyyyy Brother.

2008-05-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

So my brother will be arriving in Madison in about 20 minutes. He is here for my graduation, which is on Sunday. I haven’t really felt like I was graduating until my bro called when he landed in Milwaukee. I can’t believe that it is actually here. I picked up my cap and gown today with Gina and Sara and it was surprisingly ordinary. For some reason I feel like these events should be happening with more poignancy. Like when I got my cap and gown, the Chancellor should have been there to bestow upon me the sacred crimson and white tassel rather than some random dude who yelled, “Joel Pessermin.”

Thank God that today I feel relatively healthy compared to the last week. I only had to take three Advil rather than the blitzkrieg of Tylenol Cold and Flu, Dayquil and horse tranquilizers (guess which one I didn’t actually take, you’d be surprised). Tonight I think we are just gonna lay low and grab some dinner, but tomorrow will be a glorious day that will be remembered for ages; tomorrow is Terrace Thursday. Now I know that that probably doesn’t mean much to most of you but trust me when I say that if 20 years from now I was asked to sum up my college experience in one moment I would say Terrace Thursday. I should clarify that tomorrow is the 2^nd annual Terrace Thursday, the first one occurring last year of course. This was the day that the beer ran like water from the taps. I don’t know how much we all drank but it ended with Tal dancing in the fountain in Library Mall and Gina puking in her bathroom, demanding an audience. I can’t really remember if I did anything that was of note but come on; it’s me. So yeah tomorrow will be off the heezy.

Artist: Death Cab for Cutie

Charles II Was Straight Up Pimpin!

2008-05-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

So I should totally be writing my History take-home right now but I would rather blog about nothing in particular. So my lab had our Senior dinner this past Thursday and it was surprisingly more bearable than I was expecting. DG took us to a restaurant that is best described as an Olive Garden without those heinous TV commercials. Have you seen those commercials? There is one where a woman is standing, scanning the dining room and a hostess comes and asks her who she is looking for. The woman responds that she is looking for her date. The hostess asks what her date looks like and the woman says he has brown hair and his shoes are probably untied. Now I am sure you are as perplexed as the hostess and I on what kind of guy this attractive blonde woman is dating if he can’t tie his shoes? Well let me throw you a curveball; a child comes running up to the blonde woman yelling, “Mom!” Sure enough he has brown hair and his shoes are definitely untied. Damn you Olive Garden for tricking me! How could I have not figured out it was her son? But seriously, I freaking hate that shit. Back to our dinner, DG dropped mad cash on us. There were nine people total and in addition to our dinners she bought four appetizers and four desserts. The conversation was good; MadJ sat across from me so we carried on in private a fair amount of the time. Oh I almost forgot, I accidently invited DG to the gay bar…woops.

In other aspects of my life, we have entered finals week here at UW and I have a cold. I think I may have shocked my body too much working out the Monday after Mifflin. I am trying to recuperate before my brother gets here on Wednesday for my graduation. God knows he expects me to show him a good time and I won’t be able to if I am an incubus of viral plague (name that movie!). Even though I am under the weather I was able to make a showing on Thursday night by going out with the lab. There was drama drama drama. This tends to happen now that the five of us have hung out for the year. I got in trouble because my attention was focused on a kid from my psych class this semester. He and I talked for a fair amount of the night and I guess this wasn’t kosher with others in the group. The way I see it, everyone else was talking to other people so I don’t see why I should be reprimanded because I was hanging with someone outside of the lab. I understand that it was our last hurrah but I mean I was hanging with them for a good deal of time prior to my class friend showing up. Oh well everything was worked out in the end.

So I realized as I was writing this post, I don’t like to write the word f***. I have no problem saying it but for some reason typing makes it seem really intense. Like if I were to say, “God, I fucking hate Olive Garden commercials,” you would think that I find them to be worst thing in the world. In actuality I just find them to be really dumb and contrived. So yeah, I don’t think I will be typing the word f*** when I blog but rest assured I say it all the time in my daily life.

Artist: Daft Punk, crazy shit.

Remember to Breath

2008-05-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

So I was going to title this blog entry, “The Best Way to Detoxify is to Retoxify”, but I think I have written enough entries about going out and having a great time. This past weekend was the annual Mifflin Street Block Party. I had a super great time with my friends and there are definitely stories that I will remember (surprisingly!) for the rest of my life. I won’t go into details because I want to write about something that has been bothering me for the past few weeks. I figure it was only a matter of time before I wrote the obligatory “graduation fears” post. I am sure everyone else who is graduating is freaking out as well but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel really really scared. The only life I have known for the past four years is about to be royally turned upside down. I am fortunate enough to have a family who is completely supportive of me taking the next year off before going to graduate school.

What I think is really bothering me is that I have just started to become the man who I want to be. It really hasn’t been till this year that I have started to feel comfortable in my own skin. When I look back on the past three years it is as if I am looking at three different Joels. I had no fucking idea who I was freshmen year but I don’t think anyone knows who they are in their first year. Gina affectionately refers to sophomore year as my “GAY year”. During this year I dabbled in all things stereotypically gay. All that I took from this year was a deep appreciation of Madonna and a unique set of “make-out” songs. (If you want to know what the songs are post a comment and I will reveal them. Trust me they are doozies.) Junior year was my hump year. I had just started working in a research lab and I was way busier than ever before. Also, my living situation was only made bearable by frequent excursions to Gina’s apartment and holing up in my roommate Kara’s room. I can honestly say that junior year blew major ass. I think that is why I made a concerted effort to make this year the best it could be and for the most part it has been.

I know it is childish but I don’t want things to change. I have met so many awesome people this year and deepened relationships with others. I can only hope that this summer will be one of the best ever. I am worried though because so many people I love are going to be leaving right after graduation. Even just thinking about my friends leaving makes my eyes water (Yeah, I know, I can be a little emotional). I know I have a readership of tens, (if that), but I would appreciate any advice with dealing with such an insane time.

Artist: Madonna, how apropos

Nerd Fest ‘08

2008-04-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

So this past week I was required to attend the Undergraduate Research Symposium. Last year I received a grant to run my own study under the guidance of DG. It has been a buttload of work and it all pretty much culminated on the poster I presented at the Symposium. Rather than being excited about showing all my hard work to like-minded nerds, I was more excited to rock my new suit. The last time I had to wear a suit was when I was at a nerd camp for kids who wanted to be doctors. Are we seeing a trend? Not to toot my own horn but I think I looked pretty snazzy. I couldn’t help but strut around Madison like the city was one big catwalk. I was pretty surprised at how well I knew the ins and outs of my study. DG was the quintessential stage mom during the whole thing. I am pretty sure we took over 20 pictures some of which were action shots of me describing the poster. Jesus H.

This past weekend I went out with the guys from the lab. We went to the Shammy as I now affectionately call it. I had a blast just hanging around talking with each other. I don’t really get the point of trying to pick someone up at the bar. What will become of it other than a one maybe two-night stand? Also, who knows what you could catch from some of the skeezes that frequent such establishments. I don’t mean to judge but I think it is fairly reasonable to assume that a guy who gets it on with multiple men isn’t exactly the poster child for a STI-free life. I guess when I imagine meeting someone, I think of it being in a sober setting rather than stumbling into some rando and asking, “Your place or mine?”

I have mad homework to do this week. A week from tomorrow I have both a paper and presentation due in my psychodynamic class. I should be working on it right now but I would much rather waste time on the Internet than actually face work. Huh turns out that in Microsoft word the word “Internet” is capitalized. I did not see that coming.

Artist: Tokyo Police Club

Hey My Mojito!

2008-04-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

So in the previous post I started to talk about this guy who had asked for my number when I was out with my lab friends. Well last Sunday we got together and had a drink at the Shamrock. It was interesting to see the type of people who choose to spend their Sundays at a dive bar. It seemed to be mostly older men just hanging out with friends and there were a couple of younger guys too. Well Steve and I sat down and he got us the drinks (what a gentleman). So he and I are chatting and he seems fairly cool. I don’t really like his laugh all that much, which could be a problem because, lets be honest, an annoying laugh is like rat poison to any relationship. Also, he does this thing where he pretends to makes notes of things I am saying. At one point I said that Love Actually is probably my favorite movie and he says, “Uh oh, you said love in the first 10 minutes of the conversation. You better slow down.” Seriously? It was like we were having two completely different conversations. So we finish our drinks and we decide to leave. He says that he will give a call later in the week to hang out.

So instead of calling, we have been texting back and forth. Over the past week I have been called mojito, porn star, and naughty boy. Seems like someone likes to use pet names unfortunately I find them to be revolting and creeptastic. At one point I wondered if he had forgotten my name and was trying to hide it. I have also received two poems set in the style of “Roses are red, Violets are blue” so obviously he is a renaissance man. Needless to say I think there may be a disconnect between who he thinks I am and who I actually am. I totally forgot to tell you his age: 31! Now I don’t consider myself to really care about age but in this case it seems to bring an added element to the budding relationship; if you could call it that. I get the feeling that the fact that I am 10 years younger adds to his attraction to me. He talks to me like I am a kid. I don’t know, I just am not feeling him in the way he seems to be feeling me.

He texted me today to tell me to keep next weekend open because he wants me to go out with him and his friends to Club 5. For those of you who don’t know, Club 5 is Madison’s gay club, and I use that term loosely because the place is tiny and skeezy as shit. Back to Steve, he said that his friends want to meet me. Here’s the thing, he doesn’t even know me; we hung out once. I don’t really think that I should be introduced to his friends this soon. Oh and the fact that he wants to go dancing doesn’t really jive with me either. I have to be near blackout before I bust any moves. I will say that when I do, I can drop it like it’s hot with the best of them. So all in all I am not exacting feeling butterflies in my stomach.

I think what I need to do is stop waiting for the guys I am into to ask me out rather than just being proactive and ask them out myself. That is my homework for the next time I got the hots for someone.

Artist: Tegan and Sara; Deathcab for Cutie

I Ain’t A Playa, I Just Crush A Lot!

2008-04-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend I went out with my fellow research lab members. We got dinner at a restaurant that claims to specialize in traditional Wisconsin fare; which means there was a lot of beer, cheese, and beef. Needless to say I was in heaven. I guess I should confess that I am an FKS or for those not in the know, a former fat kid. Now I want to emphasis the former part because it is an important distinction not only for my psyche but also because former fat kids still can eat like they shop in the husky section of the department store. I packed that pepperjack cheeseburger with bacon in like it ain’t no thang. We all got drinks with our meals and I can honestly say that I will miss all the different beers they make here in Wisconsin.

I should give the breakdown of who makes up my lab. There are ten people in all but only five of us are worth knowing about. The five are Kyle, Jordan, Vika, MadJ and myself. We all head over to a coffee shop and wine bar that Kyle used to work at and we sit down to have a few drinks. The girls decide to head home, which they usually do and the rest of us, including Kyle’s boyfriend Josh decide to head to the bars. If you haven’t already guessed, all us guys are gay so we headed to Shamrock’s, Madison’s premier gay bar.

We are all having a great time, talking to each other and people we know. I notice this short guy, which means something since I am 5’8”, who has a mad ‘fro and major meth face. He keeps staring at me as he walks by and I am getting majorly creeped out. Kyle offers to pretend to be my boyfriend and I have never been more grateful in my entire life. Why do I always get the winners? So they announce last call and we all start to get ready to leave. I am leaning against the wall facing the bar and I notice this guy looking at me. I, in my usual fashion, keep averting my eyes because when I am drunk I assume that the guy thinks I am staring at him and that he is weirded out. So this continues for a while until he waves me over. We start to talk and he ends up asking for my number, which was pretty bomb since he didn’t look like an addict with a horrible hairstyle.

I’ll let you know how that turns out.

Artist: Panic At the Disco

So What Are You Going to do With Your Life?

2008-04-05T23:36:00.000-07:00

Seeing as how I am going to be graduating this May, I have been getting this question a lot. I even got this question from some random waitress at an Applebee’s-type place a few months back. She was caring enough to inform me that my Bachelors in Psychology doesn’t really offer a lot of job opportunities without further education.

Which brings me to what has probably contributed to my sudden case of insomnia in the past week. I have been vacillating between either going to graduate school for clinical psychology or going to law school. I am fortunate enough to have a family that allows me to make my own decisions without feeling pressured to go in any particular direction. My Dad, whose opinion I value pretty much above everyone else’s, has told me that whatever I decide to do he will be there for me. I don’t know too many people who are lucky enough to have a dad like that. Unfortunately though, I am feeling tremendous pressure from my research professor to go in the direction of research-oriented clinical psych. This person, who we will call DG, conceives of plans for everyone including her “boyfriend’s” son who is 9; he will be going to a particular Ivy League he just doesn’t know it yet. I would go into why I know such intimate details about my academic superior but this post isn’t about DG; more on DG at a later date.

Okay, back to my future. I really think that I would feel fulfilled if I went to grad school for psych. I am fairly confident that I would do well in law school but I don’t think that my heart is really in it. I don’t want to be one of those people who just do something so that they can make money to enjoy other aspects of life. In the long run I think it is more important to do something you love rather than just work a job. I am taking a year off before applying to either school so that is helpful. One thing that I do feel confident about is that it is okay that I don’t already know what I want to do with my life. I am only 21 years old, I don’t really think I should have my entire life planned out yet. I don’t even know who I am completely and I have had over two decades to work on that. So that is where I am at right now.

Ahh fuck it, I just need a sugar daddy. Now there’s a profession for ya.

“So what do you do?”

“Oh I do an old guy and roll around in roller skates and hot pants. I am expecting him to croak soon. You’re a CPA right? How’s that going?”

“Fine, tax season is coming up so you know I’m pretty busy.”

Sorry, that was kinda random.

NEW FEATURE: I am gonna write what I am listening to as I write my posts so that you can get an idea of how ridiculously random my music tastes are.

Artist: Imogen Heap

And I wondered…?

2008-03-26T14:42:00.000-07:00

Any self-respecting gay man or straight woman will recognize the title of this post as the beginning of SJP’s rhetorical questions on Sex and the City, ranging from whether men and women can truly “get” each other or whether babies and shoes are comparable in worth. I have realized that if my goal of being an amateur blogger turned blogger star is going to be realized, I need something that will be my hook. Should I trash celebrities while still worshiping them as mystic tan idols? (I do both of these things in my daily life anyway. That Posh Spice is freakin awesome!) Or should I start “Outing” people who are doing a disservice to the LGBT community? (I am not a fan of confrontation so I think this is out of the question too. Besides I am too far away from the political arena being in Madison.) Either way, I need to think of something.

In other news, yesterday I had Yoga at 8:50 in the morning. This is definitely one of the perks of being a graduating senor; I am able to take blow-off classes even if they are at the ass-crack of dawn. I didn’t do any yoga over the break so I don’t know why I thought that I would be fine in class. Today my body seems to be perpetually tensed which I am pretty sure is exactly the opposite of how I am supposed to feel. I’m in the class with my friend Kyle and he found it amusing when I was trying to do the Candlestick pose. I usually pride myself on my wicked balance but yesterday it was as if I was Lucille 2, suffering from functionally debilitating Vertigo. Oh well, Phyllis, the instructor, tells us it is the journey not the destination that is important.

Oh, speaking of Eastern philosophy, I am sure you remember from my previous post I had ~~accidently~~ selflessly given $25 dollars to a homeless man. Well yesterday when I went to Starbucks to get my Grande Decaf coffee (I can’t handle even the smallest amount of caffeine, I know it’s weak-sauce) they were in the process of brewing some. They said that because I would have to wait it was on the house. Fuckin Bomb! I can’t think of a clearer example of karma, can you?

Can I have that back?

2008-03-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, when I was a wide-eyed, bushy-tailed freshman I would walk with my friend Gina to the Walgreens where here roommate Annie worked. We would wait for her until she got off of work and then walk her back to the dorms. One night as we waited a homeless man was standing by us asking passersby for money for the bus to Rockford. It wasn’t long before he turned to us to ask for help on his journey to a better future. Gina and I were caught up in his speech of giving up the drink and having a job set up in Rockford. Needless to say we felt honored to assist him; so we each gave him five dollars and wished him good luck in Rockford. We truly thought that was the last we would see of this man starting his second chance on life.

That weekend as our entire floor set out for a party, Gina and I spotted that same man, smelling of booze, hocking the same empty promises of heading to Rockford and starting a new job. I looked at Gina and in that moment we lost our high school innocence and became jaded college students.

One might ask why am I taking this stroll down memory lane? Well tonight I had another run in with a man lamenting his hard knock life. I am going to set the scene before giving a verbatim account of what transpired. I walk out of a coffee shop, where I was studying, to make a phone call and a homeless man came up to me and asked:

“Hey man can I have some money, I need to buy milk for my kid.”

This is indeed a particularly sad situation. I must admit at first I was going to respond with my usual M.O. “I don’t have any money.” Instead I say, as I hold the ringing phone to my ear:

“Sure, I think I have a dollar.”

I reach into my wallet and I see I have a five so I decide, fine I will give him the five. I pull out the five and hand it to him only to realize seconds later that there had been a twenty inside the folded five. TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS!!! I don’t care if you think I am a bastard for not wanting to give the man $25 for his son’s milk, that is not spare change. I will say that you can call me a bastard for what I said after realizing what I had done:

“Can I have that back?”

I know, I ‘m a dick. I wasn’t thinking at the time. My phone was ringing during the entire time of this transaction and he was coming at me with fast questions; I was disoriented. The man closed his hand around the money so I was pretty sure I wasn’t gonna be getting that Jackson back. Admitting defeat, I turn away from the guy because the voicemail has finally come on for me to leave a message. Just as I am about to start talking, the man comes back and asks”

“Are you mad at me?”

Seriously?!?! I don’t even know how to interpret this. I mean I am not mad at him but I just freaking handed him 25% of $100. Isn’t there some kind of pandering code? Don’t they have to give it back if you ask?

And this is why (among other things that will be brought up later in this blog) that I am going to hell.